Why Me!? Crush Canceled

Ughhhhhhh you guys I’m so annoyed. 1st of all idk what would make me think that a man that has been in a relationship for 7 years will risk it all for me. Moreover I wouldn’t want him to risk it all for me. I’m a woman and I know how it feels to be put on the back burner so I wouldn’t want to be the one causing the pain of another woman for my pleasure. Now if he was ready to leave and it had nothing to do with me ok, but that’s not the case. He’s in a “loving” relationship and there is no end in sight so we will conclude that this man is not the one for me.

Flirting over, sub posts over, spiritual contact over, all things over ugh. I don’t like him like that, but as a woman we all know how good it feels to have the attention of a man and I know he also enjoys having my attention being that he’s been committed for 7 years. 7 years is a really long time and more than likely they will get married have kids and all that. I can’t and won’t wedge myself in between anything like that.

What made me come to this final decision is my house mom at one of my clubs. I was telling her I haven’t had sex in so long and I have a crush on this guy on the internet and she immediately shut it down. She told me that I don’t know him which is true, if he’s flirting with me he can’t be a good guy which also has some truth and lastly he just wants attention, because he has a girlfriend and lives in a whole other state. All that being said crush OVER! I can’t you guys. Where is he?! Where is my man.

Every time I like someone and it doesn’t work out I’m just so confused. Not as to why it ended, but just the fact that I’m at square one AGAIN! Its not a big deal, but I’m gonna have to sit on somebody’s face soon. I don’t want to have sex uncommitted anymore, but omg I’m gonna have to make an exception. I need to print out applications for these guys because honey I need this cat purred lol.

You Don’t Even Know Your Power

So you guys know love fuels literally everything in my life. If I’m not in a loving situation I’ll just be alone like I have been a lot, but now I’ve realized my powers. My power is to love and teach and all that, but mainly to love.

I think I haven’t been loved maybe because I didn’t love myself enough and that’s painfully obvious to the guys who have “known” me maybe, but to all future guys meet the new me. The new me knows her worth, she knows her power, she knows her abilities and she is not afraid to be herself. The new me also knows how to say no if its not in my best interest. My “crush” was asking some of his subscribers to some sort of symbol on their twitter handles and of course I would never do that. I am who I am and I am NOT a follower I am a leader. Even if no one is following I am still leading myself to be the best Stripper Notes I can be and not because someone I look up to me is advising me to do so. Not in the way I look up to him and he looks up to me lol. Well these are my powers. The ability to create. Its so weird that people consider this a talent, buy hey if the shoe fits I’ll wear it and SELL it! lol

 

 

Delicate Situations

So I’m single as idk what right now. My feminine energy is pouring out and I’m not feeling the single thing, but I know from experience that’s its better to wait on the right one, because being bored in the past has gotten me into too many situations where I settled for way less than I deserve.

The other day I was at work and I had three glasses of wine I started talking about how I wanted to be in love. My exact words were “*mopey face* I want to be in love*”I know I make the single thing look fun and easy, but I’m tired of it and I want mutual love. What is life without someone you love and loves you back to share it with. I get a lot of stuff done, but I love being in love its always the best time of my life until I realize it was never love for the other person. That’s why I’m taking my time.

The guy I had the feels for has been coming on to me too, but you guys know he has a girlfriend and I’m not interested in being in any kind of drama and I think he knows that. That’s why he flirts with me, because he knows I’m not going to try and threaten his relationship, but I don’t like the idea of being toyed with if I can’t have you.

When it comes to love and chemistry I think we can sense when someone likes us and I know he knows I like him and I know he likes me as well. Its something that I’ve tried to be very delicate an respectful about, but I don’t know his girlfriend so I kinda don’t know what to do. I know I have loyalty to my sisters, family and friends, but a girl i don’t even know? I respect her relationship, but I still like her man lol. All I know is I don’t date guys in relationships and I totally don’t want them breaking up because of me. I don’t feel like those are good vibes.

The other part of me thinks everything happens for a reason and even tho this guy could be the worst guy ever I still have these feelings and you never know where life takes you. I’m almost 25 years old and I have to know what I want at some point and now is the point.

If you guys need a refresher on the guy he’s a youtuber who talks about black problems like colorism, cultural appropriation and love so it’d be very bad of him to entertain me. I also know he lives in New York and I live in Atlanta. I’m an adult and I know it isn’t that easy to pack up and leave, but I would do it for love. The only issue I have is I’d be out of my element and I’d have to have my own place, because you never know how things can go and I don’t want to be flying back to Atlanta with my tail between my legs like I did last year when I wen to go see my ex in San Diego. That was one of he worst emotional experiences ever. I loved San Diego, but I hated being there with him, because I feel like I was tricked into coming and it definitely wasn’t what I thought it was going to be like. I know people say we shouldn’t have expectations and things like that, but we SHOULD! I don’t see anything wrong with having high expectations for the best. We live in such a backwards society where people don’t even want to dream happy dreams in fear of their bubble being busted. Not as far as my ex wanting me, but I feel like he was just trying to play me in general by having me come out there and then act like he doesn’t know why I’m there.  After about 2 of 9 days I was ready to go.  I was so sad, anxious, nauseous, couldn’t eat and just sad all together. I never want to feel that again and I feel like I’ve had enough sadness for a lifetime.

So I know you guys probably think I’m crazy, to have a crush on someone I don’t even know, and barely communicate with, but I can feel us communicating spiritually.

I woke up at 5:00 am and I saw he was live so I went in to see what they were doing. As soon as I got on he got off and When I went live I did the same thing. I know he doesn’t want to play with fire and its fair of me to not want to play with it either. His lives are usually pretty chill and he usually has other people on there with him, but I haven’t seen his girlfriend on there which I think she should be from time to time if she is a big influence on his life. I think love should be the greatest inspiration and when I am in love I like to be inspired by my love. I can imagine how intimidated she must be by all the women who lust over and follow her boyfriend, and as a woman I kinda know how it feels to date someone who is so involved with other women.

As a woman who is growing I know love is important, but I also firmly know that I must focus on my own dreams and not let any man stop that and if a man really loves me he will be in full support of my journey the way I am in support of his even if he can’t see my dream and I can’t see his I still think its important to grow and support each other. I know a lot of women can lose themselves in relationships its happened to me many times and this time around I’m not letting myself go that easily so if a man whats me he has to want all of me.

As for this crush ( I hate calling it a crush) I’m not sure what I’ll do. I don’t mind the flirting that’s cool, but to entertain anything else may be a waste of time.

To be fair he doesn’t know I dance and I won’t be telling him, because I don’t think that should be up for discussion since I won’t be quitting for someone who is already in an established relationship and lives hundreds of miles away. I hate discussing the topic anyway. People think its this glorious thing and yes it can be liberating, but until someone lives this life I don’t think they have a valid idea of what I feel I go thru when I choose to do this.

I can’t wait until I have that person that I can confide in about my stress of dancing and them comfort me and tell me I’m smart enough to do whatever I want to do, but I don’t even have friends and family who tell me these things. The people that do know I dance are either jealous, because they think I’m not struggling or they romanticize it as if I’m a queen and all men bow to my feet.      The reality is I work very hard I’m a full time student who took six classes, I take care of myself and I deserve everything I work for. If someone wants to walk in my shoes to see how hard I work to get what I want without any complaints then they can do that. I’m not into holding anyone’s hand if someones wants to be about this life them they need to do it alone like I had to do. I definitely didn’t have anyone holding my hand.

I love you guys and thanks for reading. I’ll be working very hard for the next two weeks for my birthday.

I won’t be getting anyone any lavish mother’s day or birthday gifts like I did in the past. This month is all about me.

I Think We Need To Have a Talk About My Morals

So I got my permit renewed at one club and and I worked there Friday and Saturday. I aways tell you guys not to go to work (at a strip club if you are in a sour mood, because people come there to have fun, nit be high strung so to say the least I wasn’t feeling it that much. I’m also very thin frame for those of you who don’t know I am not thick at all  I am about 5’7 100 lbs with great proportions and I say that to say I GET COLD EASILY!  I get so cold so fast its not even a game I always always need some kind of covering because I get cold lol. So its May, but we are having cool weather here in Atlanta so its cold out and inside too depending on where you go they may have the air conditioner on instead of the heat which is so backwards. I’m for sure we had the air on and I was just not feeling it! If i wasn’t a decent dancer I probably would’ve mad nothing and thank goodness ‘m good with finances too, because when you don’t feel like working that directly affects your life. I definitely don’t mind working, because I like the life that I live and it has to be maintained. I’m also a business student and I have many things going for myself.

newyork

So back to this blog post, so I didn’t feel like working! ugh! It was so cold and I just wasn’t feeling it. I think I also slipped up and got used to fast easy money! Do not play yourselves, nothing good in life comes that fast. I made A LOT of money that week I worked 2 days I was so happy, but it wasn’t the steady average. and lets be real yall know I do not have sex, no blow jobs, they don’t give me oral and none of that, but I did give this guy a handjob and I normally do not do that and that was my first time ever, but I did it because the money was so worth it. Call me whatever you want, but a hand job for $600 sounds like a deal lol.

I’m single and no man who I’ve ever had sex with ever did anything nice for me at all and men give me money just to SEE me naked, literally for me to allow them to see me naked. One guy I danced for last night even knows my family, he was an old white guy I’m sure a racists, but loves young black girls smh.  He was weird af and awkward around me so he was an easy one. The handjob guy lived in a really nice condo, he was a mid forty something white man who is bored with his wife and I’m sure she’s just staying for security or maybe she loves him idk. I met another guy in there last night who is dating a woman who is not his type, but he’s dating her so he can live with her. That is beyond bummy and he was drooling over some girl with nipple rings.These men are complete liars and they are too coward to go after what they want. Skinny men like thick girls because they are the opposite and most big guys love small women for some reason, but things change. This fat guy who wanted the skinny girl is too lazy to even fix himself up to get with a woman like that.

I need to tighten up my morals again and not think that fast things can get me a lot of money, because that’s not even guaranteed and who wants to be a tool forever? I can’t wait until my businesses are off the ground and I can just relax. I’ve cut wayyyyyyyyy down on my drinking you guys have no idea lol. I’m tired of feeling crappy. One to three drinks is enough anything else is alcoholic, because really 3 drinks a day is a bit much. I had three glasses of white wine Friday and one margarita Saturday and I’m tired from those. I need to easssssssssse back into the party life lol jk I’m focused and this is still a means to an end 😉

 

Thanks for reading and I’d also like to let you guys know f ways you can support me and entertain you 🙂

  1. Let me know if you would like me to create a Patreon where I would post anonymous podcasts, take questions, tell stories, give you my weekly rundown.
  2. Donate via paypal to have on on one conversations with me starting at $50 an hour.
  3. If you are into fetishes and things of that nature I also sell some of my well worn heels, shoes, socks and anything else can possibly up for discussion.

 

Pain

PAIN!

What is pain?

Pain is people only calling you when they want something and forcing you to be a cold bitch!

Pain is knowing you have no real friends. Everybody actually wants something from you. Even your parent want to constantly know you major in college just to secure a spot in your future pockets. Never mind I have been working for my own money since I was 16 years old (really 13). If I wanted something in my life and my parents couldn’t get it I worked for it myself. Raising the children right and they will go not astray! But if you barely raise the children and they go astray don’t think you can shape their life at 25 years old. To be honest I’m an adult and I don’t need or want friends and family constantly commenting on a life they add no actual value to.

I know a lot of you feel where I m coming from.

Pain is wanting to be a bride, but falling susceptible to pre-marital sex so now you feel like damaged goods. Thanks christian mom and Muslim dad who only wore your religion as a name brand soul! Also thanks to the lack of real men we have in America. I shouted out my international readers earlier and what you guys see on tv as Americans is worse in reality. America is a luxurious place, but its also a greedy, slimy, place. There is no such thing as a real friend in America. I actually believe people in America (especially the black people) have been so brainwashed over the years. If you ever make an American friend that may not be a friend first of all, and if you think it is watch them very carefully and treat them how they treat you. People in the country are usually motivated by monetary gain. People don’t want to be friends with someone who does not have that potential and I find that very scary. How can you not be paranoid when you know that every time your phone rings people want something from you! Now its not like I don’t know how to say no, it just very exhausting to constantly deal with these people. And this is why I find it easier to be alone. I’m more efficient, creative, confident and I can relax around myself. People can literally be so annoying. Americans are used to being entertained 24/7 so I don’t even think most American would know what real is!

If you have one good friend you are lucky!

Also I’ve learned how to treat friendships and relationships.

#1 Friends ARE NOT family! They are loyal to their family! One of the biggest mistake you could make is treating a “friend” like family and realizing they aren’t even a real friends.

Pain is having to constantly check mother fuckers because they are so fucking annoying with the stupid beating around the bush questions when you know they just called to ask for a favor. Goodbye!

You know I look up a lot of psychology and I call bull shit!

If you want to know a good Piece of psychology remember this.

Everybody has and agenda so don’t let them use you to fill it!

Instead fill you own agenda!

Fill your agenda to the point where you only come across people who are only rooting for you and all the jealous sneak haters will fall off.

If its anything I’ve learned from choosing to switch my major to business its trust no one.

If you have some dreams, hobbies, projects or anything positive and progressive going on in your life keep it secret!

Its crazy how strippernotes and dancing are the two biggest secrets of my life and I chose to record it on a blog. An anonymous blog. I love strippernotes not only because I thinks its hella awesome, but for the most part its a secret. Its a part of me that some people could never imagine. They’ve never seen it with their own two eyes, but it happened and happens.

I’ve really been considering a pod cast, but idk what to talk about. I think I need a space first, because I can barely get youtube videos done with this set up.

Lastly I want to give you some tips for channeling your pain and turning it into gain!

  1. Humans want to avoid pain at all possible costs, but pain is a part of life.
  2. You can always turn your pain into joy.
  3. Associate NOT achieving your goals with pain instead of associating pain with a person.

Just remember friends and people you are related to shouldn’t only call and want you around when its beneficial for them. If those are real family members and relatives the will ask you how you are doing selflessly and actually care enough to also be happy for you or empathize with you. You may not be able to help someone’s situation, but you can empathize with them. And empathizing with them will help them not to feel so alone and it could even help them progress.

International Stripper Notes Readers!

When I look at my home page I am so shocked to see readers from so many countries! I love this! I can’t believe you guys take the time t read my blog I absolutely love it. If you guys would like to ask me any questions please leave a comment on this post because I’d love to hear what sparked your interest in reading my blog and what you think about what you’ve read so far. Idk why I imagine all f my readers being male, but I know there’s lots of women reading and I’d love to hear what you think especially.

Thanks For 50 Followers!

Thanks for following me lets grow even more!

As you guys and girls know I started this blog because i didn’t feel comfortable expressing myself to the real people in my life. People always say they want the truth, but lets be honest if I talked candidly about my stripper life I would have no friends and family in my life unless I could do something for them or entertain them with my pain smh.

I already see how differently people treat me after I tell them I dance. The women get jealous and the men think I’m dumb and they  can walk all over me and make stupid jokes like I constantly want to explain myself and emotions to them while they get a good laugh off of me.

I’d rather write it all out and have loyal people read and follow my unconventional journey. My life is not perfect and it is certainly not a joke. People will try to laugh off of your pain to make their life seem better and I nip that in the bud before it begins. I am the first person to cut off a manipulative type relationship and be alone if I have to, but I will not let people think they can live their lives in a serious way and come into my life for fun and laughs like my life is a joke. I still do all the regular things in life and I still have human emotions. I take the route of showing people how to treat me and it doesn’t take long for them to realize they don’t need to play with me because I’ll let them play by they self.

I’m also not open about dancing to y family, because I have little ones looking up to me, but, people don’t care about the vision you have for your life as long as they can laugh at you to ease the pain of their own horrible crappy life and I won’t allow myself to be the butt of anyone’s joke. Now when people make jokes to me I don’t even move my face. It is very important to teach people how to treat you and never let anyone think it is ok to disrespect you. Thank you guys again for following me and I look forward to the future and I know its only going up from here!

Moving On! The Feels – Day 5

I’m moving on from stressing about school and back to to my online crush.

Its crazy how we hold people we don’t even fully know on such high pedestals lol. I do see the flaws in this guy tho and I learned from the last guy I was with that anybody can smile in your face and use you for all you your energy. Anyway my new online crush is in a relationship and that’s a huge flaw. One thing I don’t want is a man leaving his woman for me. I know a lot of women get men that way, but that doesn’t seem like a solid foundation to build anything on. How could you trust a person who broke someone else’s heart to be with someone else. I know things happen and relationships fall apart, but I don’t want to be the catalyst. At least not directly. I like for all hands to be washed before I enter into a relationship with a man so I can be clear moving forward.

Now you guys know I’m very intuitive so I do feel some moves being made in his relationship, but omg I just couldn’t. Maybe we flirted a little too much. Ummmm at this point I should tell you guys that I watch his videos and they make me feel real emotions for him lol I’m pretty sure he also watches my videos and is adoring me from afar lol. I think this is so crazy lol and also fun. Not for his girlfriend tho so that’s why I stay in my lane lol. All the lol’s because thinking about him makes me laugh, but I also feel like its not real and I’m just imagining he feels the same way. Honestly humans are humans and he probably does, but if his relationship with his girlfriend is good then he better stop watching my videos lol. I’ll still watch his tho, maybe I should stop commenting tho ugh.

Well I’ll keep you guys updated on this stargaze imaginary crush I have smh lol

Disappointed in myself!

If you’re a Stripper Notes loyalist then you know I’m in school and I’ve been doing so well! But yesterday I got lazy and missed some assignments and it really has me down because it brought my grade from an A to a B and I don’t like that. I want A’s! I can’t believe I slacked and thought I had all the time in the world to do these assignment, but I’ve also been cranking out videos like crazy on my Youtube channel and I’ve been enjoying that. The semester is ALMOST over and I can’t give up now! I have to push thru and be the best that I know I am! I am made to win and I will not lose! I have all the power I need to get these A’s and finish the semester strong! I’m not even going to get myself down about the B because as long as I know I worked hard and still willing to work hard that’s all that matters. I just wanted to brag to people that I made all A’s but screw that! I’m an independent woman who pays all her own bills, takes 6 classes and is smashing them all, makes videos, sells merch on eBay and loves the world! I am still sad, but I am no longer disappointing in myself because everything happens for a reason and I’m still proud of my accolades. 

Its hard when you have such high expectations and they are not met, but hey that’s what growth and trying is for. If we were all perfect we would be very bored. I love being this mess of a work in progress because my growth is a light and it shines me in the right direction. We fall down, we get back up. We get our hearts broken, we fall in love again. We go broke!, we increase what we lost by 100!

I have high hopes for the end of this semester and all in all I have to be happy with what I’ve done. Not many 24 year olds are as independent and responsible as me and I love that about myself it’s really self fulfilling and being in school is like the diamond ring of my life right now.

When I took that year off last year and danced I was drinking a lo and my life had no direction. Now I feel a sense of purpose and I am so happy. I have nothing to be sad about and when I look back on all the things I allowed to cause me pain I feel no more pain because I chose to be happy even when I didn’t know what that was.

Thanks for reading, love you guys and girls so much *smooches*

Day 4 of the feels

So I guess I noticed this crush around thursday/friday and its just amazingly awful to feel! Omg you guys know I’ve been pushing away my feelings since I started dancing, because I feel like who could really love a stripper? So I don’t tell men and I just choose not to feel anything, but ummmm I kinda can’t help this! He also doesn’t know I’m a dancer and I think if he knew the conversation could maybe get deep, maybe even a fling, but noooooooo I don’t want any more flings.

We have discusse business idea and blah blah blah, just casual talk. But what made me catch the super feels from him was him! women always get mad at the other woman, but its the man who does the chasing. So yes he has a girlfriend and he loves her, but he also makes videos complimenting other women including me lol. Maybe he has no idea how much his subscribers really like him and he also flirts which is dangerous.

I will be speaking on having the feels publicly, but I won’t mention his name duh lol. I basically just want to get all of these feeling out and sort them out aloud. Lol I’lll keep you guys updated, but I will be doing all I can to physically avoid him, but I cannot emotionally do that right now and honestly it kind feels good to have the feels again after all these bad men situations and I just want something new.

My fears have also popped up and that is simply I am holding him to too high expectations, but I expect the best from any man I choose to like because I’m hella picky and I want my man to be the best!