My fears are my biggest stallers. Sometimes I just sit here and think about nothing, but all the mistakes in my life. I think about if they were worth it or not compared to where I am now, where I want to be and where I feel like I should be.
I’m gonna take this moment to say God is good and the sacrifices I’ve made in the last 2.5 years + decisions I chose to make were very worth it to me. My peace of mind is better. I feel people exiting my life forever as they should, because you know manipulators try to find a way to tie themselves to you and it holds you back in the most depressing way. I am feeling that being broken away from me and I am blessed.
HOWEVER I turn 26 years old May 27, 2018 and I’m like omg what am I doing? What is the reason? I see everything I am doing and it looks so small in comparison to what I really need to accomplish to feel what I want to feel. I’m in school full time again this semester and I feel readier than ever. I feel excited to do the work. I love it.
Also my experience is a negative pessimist family who are clearly mentally sick. I’m African american and I really feel like slavery, racism, and all that really did a number on black people. My dad is a self hating black man who is in love with white people. Its sad. My dad is a total fraudulent liar in my eyes. I mean we all have some things about us that don’t make us good people, but he is totally selfish and as long as no one checks him on being irresponsible he’ll continue and at this point I don’t care as long as he stays out of my life with his mommy issues. This guy literally paid my mother $87 a month for child support until I was 14 years old then settled for about $1,200 smh. A real piece of trash in my eyes. And he is overly Misogynist, does not respect black women yet he has nothing, but his social security checks and such. I desperately do not want that for myself. However I see a lot of people “living their best lives” and I also live my best life, but a part of me is a little guilty sometimes. Idk why I feel like I owe people this relationship that they never tried to have with me. I gave them plenty of opportunities to love me and they never did, however I feel so tied to them sometimes. Writing this is helping me release the feeling which is making me very happy lol. I want no ties to anyone who has no love for me and only loves me conditionally. I want and deserve unconditional love. However I feel like I have never had that. There have been very few people who have loved me unconditionally and those few people who do scare the hell out of me, I guess maybe its my trust issues, abandonment issues and a host of things.
Some part of me feels like in a few short years I will be reading this blog post amazed at my accomplishments. Yet I also feel like I could be working harder and I’m letting things distract me. I know I could work harder. I wonder hat stops me sometimes, then boom a distraction pops up lol. I really am fixing that issue. I figure if I spend as much time as possible alone at least if I get distracted sometimes that won’t matter compared to all the time I spend alone focusing on true goals.
It would be awesome if you guys could donate money to me, but I don’t have time for all that. Making it myself seems faster. Asking people for things have never been fun for me it always seems to lead to disappointment, but hard work has always been a sure way to earn things for me, and not even physical work, but the work I put in my blogs ans media content to earn residual income and spending time learning skill I use to make money. Learning how to to nails and edit videos had me surprised with myself. Even when people in real life call me talented I’m like huh? This ain’t talent this is work! Lol And I feel I need to work harder! I’m telling you there is nothing that frightens me more than being 30 and being nowhere near where I want to be in life, because of God knows what I let distract and deter me and make me feel like I don’t deserve to live the life I know I was put here to live. Its more than living a life too, its everything. Its making a positive example for anyone that needs a positive example in there life including myself. At this point I have to be my own super hero. I have nothing to look to, but myself. I know if I was ever to not live the life I know I deserve there will be someone there waiting to revel in any chaos in my life and I refuse all of that.
I have finally come to the conclusion that I need to aggressively invest more time into my goals. Including money goals, business goals, education goals. I know I have to work harder. I have problems focusing on myself too. I see all these people accomplishing all these things and they are younger than me and that makes me feel like not even trying, but I rebuke that energy and know we all have a time and there is enough for all of us to make millions, millions of times over.
the whole lazy thing will not take me! I’m better and stronger than negative thoughts. I also want to focus on myself. Not being mean, but I don’t have time to support everybody and they mama. Especially if they are not helping me reach my goals. That’s been another problem I had in the past. Trying to help people that were not trying to help themselves or help me. If you can’t even help yourself I know there ain’t nothing yo can do for me and I don’t expect a busy person to help me unless I can also help them in some way. Loyalty is life. Loyalty is too rare these days. I feel I wasted a lot of my loyalty to the complete wrong things and that is over. I remember when I wanted to help people really bad so I started doing that and you know what? Its crazy how ungrateful people are when you attempt to help them. That also drained energy I should have used for myself.
I’m choosing to cut more things out of my attention in this moment and focus on myself the way I need to.
I’m happy with my progress, but I’m satisfied. I have more in me and I know it.
In 2022 I will be 30 years old and I know dancing will be far from my life and I will be financially free over and over and over.
I want a husband and a family and i refuse to drag anyone into this with me.
This is something I have to overcome for myself before I commit my life to a wonderful man that deserves a wonderful woman.
Y’all that’s it.
I had to let that out.
Thanks for reading