I Am Speechless

You guyssssss I have obviously been going thru a lot in my life over the past few years and lord knows I’ve grown a lot. I mentioned a 41 year old man that I was “dating” before I started dancing and I was just gaga over him. I’ve cried over him, been stupid and all that, but above it all I stopped talking to him and stuck to my guns and finished school and secured my finances. He’s always been a disappointing “boyfriend” literally unreliable as i can believe. After three years I finally finally stopped caring and chose to focus on my own life no matter however painful that was idk why. When i thought about him in the past tense it was never good and I didn’t care to pursue anything with him any further. I had him on the block list for a few months and I did learn to live without him, because all he made himself was sex and let’s be honest ladies men are just as replaceable as women after a while. I removed him from the block list and then the text message came. “I miss you (my real name)” ugh I was literally so happy. Then I was confused and didn’t respond The shock and unwanted disappointment were too much stronger than the happiness so I just told myself I could continue to ignore him if he was  just going to text me, because I’m sick of the texting its just wack and childish. Long story short he calls me later on that day and of course I answer ugh. I had a lot of time to think about him and I think I still feel the same way which is confused, but definitely all in for whatever ride he’s trying to take me on now lol. He was supposed to come over this morning at 9:00 and he was a little early. As soon as he got here he started kissing me. I kind tried to get him to stop, but not really. I was thinking a few nights ago that not only have I not had sex in months I also haven’t kissed anybody and that was not something I wanted to do with anyone else. I love kissing him. He’s so soft and sweet and all that. I day dream about sex with him. I can see how sex and love are like drugs, because with other guy’s I’ve dated we would get drunk and have sex sometimes, but this is different. I always thought I was the kind of girl that guys would have sex with and leave and life really can be a self fulfilling prophecy if you feel that way about yourself. If you always feel like everything is wrong with you and nothing is wrong with the other person then you will always fail. Even when relationships fail no one person should be solely to blame, because we all have faults. I hate how society makes the woman feel like its something wrong with herself for allowing a man to have sex with her even if she LOVES it. I love having sex with him and it just brightened up my whole perception on the summer and life. If life is so bad I need this everyday. That may be unrealistic for the two of us, but sex definitely isn’t as bad as I was anticipating. I guess I always feel used after sex and not fulfilled and after all that good head he gave me there is no reason why shouldn’t have given him any cat. Lord knows  I came over and over and over again lol. Ugh the only thing now is the after math. Well I have no expectations and I thanked him for the dick so we’re good. We’ve been seeing each other for 3 years and at this point I’m not too sure about the future of this relationship, because he’s moving too slow, but we’ll see and this was some good dick he gave me lol.

The dick was so good I’m just sitting here in silence enjoying the day. I might even read a book lol. No social media or youtube unless its extremely relaxing lol. I love this feeling and I love having the happiness bottled up inside. I’m not going to share this relationship with anyone I’m deciding right now. My friends and family don’t care and want to see it fail, because they don’t understand or care about what makes me happy. I also am not putting it on social media, because I don’t have time for the haters. I love having our love in a bubble and I’m not going to let anyone disturb that with their opinions and all that. I’m still gonna pretend like I need some dick lol. This is where all that grace and class needs to activated, because my hoe alert is going off and I can only hoe for one man. Its too draining to be a real hoe.



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