Delicate Situations

So I’m single as idk what right now. My feminine energy is pouring out and I’m not feeling the single thing, but I know from experience that’s its better to wait on the right one, because being bored in the past has gotten me into too many situations where I settled for way less than I deserve.

The other day I was at work and I had three glasses of wine I started talking about how I wanted to be in love. My exact words were “*mopey face* I want to be in love*”I know I make the single thing look fun and easy, but I’m tired of it and I want mutual love. What is life without someone you love and loves you back to share it with. I get a lot of stuff done, but I love being in love its always the best time of my life until I realize it was never love for the other person. That’s why I’m taking my time.

The guy I had the feels for has been coming on to me too, but you guys know he has a girlfriend and I’m not interested in being in any kind of drama and I think he knows that. That’s why he flirts with me, because he knows I’m not going to try and threaten his relationship, but I don’t like the idea of being toyed with if I can’t have you.

When it comes to love and chemistry I think we can sense when someone likes us and I know he knows I like him and I know he likes me as well. Its something that I’ve tried to be very delicate an respectful about, but I don’t know his girlfriend so I kinda don’t know what to do. I know I have loyalty to my sisters, family and friends, but a girl i don’t even know? I respect her relationship, but I still like her man lol. All I know is I don’t date guys in relationships and I totally don’t want them breaking up because of me. I don’t feel like those are good vibes.

The other part of me thinks everything happens for a reason and even tho this guy could be the worst guy ever I still have these feelings and you never know where life takes you. I’m almost 25 years old and I have to know what I want at some point and now is the point.

If you guys need a refresher on the guy he’s a youtuber who talks about black problems like colorism, cultural appropriation and love so it’d be very bad of him to entertain me. I also know he lives in New York and I live in Atlanta. I’m an adult and I know it isn’t that easy to pack up and leave, but I would do it for love. The only issue I have is I’d be out of my element and I’d have to have my own place, because you never know how things can go and I don’t want to be flying back to Atlanta with my tail between my legs like I did last year when I wen to go see my ex in San Diego. That was one of he worst emotional experiences ever. I loved San Diego, but I hated being there with him, because I feel like I was tricked into coming and it definitely wasn’t what I thought it was going to be like. I know people say we shouldn’t have expectations and things like that, but we SHOULD! I don’t see anything wrong with having high expectations for the best. We live in such a backwards society where people don’t even want to dream happy dreams in fear of their bubble being busted. Not as far as my ex wanting me, but I feel like he was just trying to play me in general by having me come out there and then act like he doesn’t know why I’m there.  After about 2 of 9 days I was ready to go.  I was so sad, anxious, nauseous, couldn’t eat and just sad all together. I never want to feel that again and I feel like I’ve had enough sadness for a lifetime.

So I know you guys probably think I’m crazy, to have a crush on someone I don’t even know, and barely communicate with, but I can feel us communicating spiritually.

I woke up at 5:00 am and I saw he was live so I went in to see what they were doing. As soon as I got on he got off and When I went live I did the same thing. I know he doesn’t want to play with fire and its fair of me to not want to play with it either. His lives are usually pretty chill and he usually has other people on there with him, but I haven’t seen his girlfriend on there which I think she should be from time to time if she is a big influence on his life. I think love should be the greatest inspiration and when I am in love I like to be inspired by my love. I can imagine how intimidated she must be by all the women who lust over and follow her boyfriend, and as a woman I kinda know how it feels to date someone who is so involved with other women.

As a woman who is growing I know love is important, but I also firmly know that I must focus on my own dreams and not let any man stop that and if a man really loves me he will be in full support of my journey the way I am in support of his even if he can’t see my dream and I can’t see his I still think its important to grow and support each other. I know a lot of women can lose themselves in relationships its happened to me many times and this time around I’m not letting myself go that easily so if a man whats me he has to want all of me.

As for this crush ( I hate calling it a crush) I’m not sure what I’ll do. I don’t mind the flirting that’s cool, but to entertain anything else may be a waste of time.

To be fair he doesn’t know I dance and I won’t be telling him, because I don’t think that should be up for discussion since I won’t be quitting for someone who is already in an established relationship and lives hundreds of miles away. I hate discussing the topic anyway. People think its this glorious thing and yes it can be liberating, but until someone lives this life I don’t think they have a valid idea of what I feel I go thru when I choose to do this.

I can’t wait until I have that person that I can confide in about my stress of dancing and them comfort me and tell me I’m smart enough to do whatever I want to do, but I don’t even have friends and family who tell me these things. The people that do know I dance are either jealous, because they think I’m not struggling or they romanticize it as if I’m a queen and all men bow to my feet.      The reality is I work very hard I’m a full time student who took six classes, I take care of myself and I deserve everything I work for. If someone wants to walk in my shoes to see how hard I work to get what I want without any complaints then they can do that. I’m not into holding anyone’s hand if someones wants to be about this life them they need to do it alone like I had to do. I definitely didn’t have anyone holding my hand.

I love you guys and thanks for reading. I’ll be working very hard for the next two weeks for my birthday.

I won’t be getting anyone any lavish mother’s day or birthday gifts like I did in the past. This month is all about me.

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