As you guys and girls know I started this blog because i didn’t feel comfortable expressing myself to the real people in my life. People always say they want the truth, but lets be honest if I talked candidly about my stripper life I would have no friends and family in my life unless I could do something for them or entertain them with my pain smh.
I already see how differently people treat me after I tell them I dance. The women get jealous and the men think I’m dumb and they can walk all over me and make stupid jokes like I constantly want to explain myself and emotions to them while they get a good laugh off of me.
I’d rather write it all out and have loyal people read and follow my unconventional journey. My life is not perfect and it is certainly not a joke. People will try to laugh off of your pain to make their life seem better and I nip that in the bud before it begins. I am the first person to cut off a manipulative type relationship and be alone if I have to, but I will not let people think they can live their lives in a serious way and come into my life for fun and laughs like my life is a joke. I still do all the regular things in life and I still have human emotions. I take the route of showing people how to treat me and it doesn’t take long for them to realize they don’t need to play with me because I’ll let them play by they self.
I’m also not open about dancing to y family, because I have little ones looking up to me, but, people don’t care about the vision you have for your life as long as they can laugh at you to ease the pain of their own horrible crappy life and I won’t allow myself to be the butt of anyone’s joke. Now when people make jokes to me I don’t even move my face. It is very important to teach people how to treat you and never let anyone think it is ok to disrespect you. Thank you guys again for following me and I look forward to the future and I know its only going up from here!
I’m moving on from stressing about school and back to to my online crush.
Its crazy how we hold people we don’t even fully know on such high pedestals lol. I do see the flaws in this guy tho and I learned from the last guy I was with that anybody can smile in your face and use you for all you your energy. Anyway my new online crush is in a relationship and that’s a huge flaw. One thing I don’t want is a man leaving his woman for me. I know a lot of women get men that way, but that doesn’t seem like a solid foundation to build anything on. How could you trust a person who broke someone else’s heart to be with someone else. I know things happen and relationships fall apart, but I don’t want to be the catalyst. At least not directly. I like for all hands to be washed before I enter into a relationship with a man so I can be clear moving forward.
Now you guys know I’m very intuitive so I do feel some moves being made in his relationship, but omg I just couldn’t. Maybe we flirted a little too much. Ummmm at this point I should tell you guys that I watch his videos and they make me feel real emotions for him lol I’m pretty sure he also watches my videos and is adoring me from afar lol. I think this is so crazy lol and also fun. Not for his girlfriend tho so that’s why I stay in my lane lol. All the lol’s because thinking about him makes me laugh, but I also feel like its not real and I’m just imagining he feels the same way. Honestly humans are humans and he probably does, but if his relationship with his girlfriend is good then he better stop watching my videos lol. I’ll still watch his tho, maybe I should stop commenting tho ugh.
Well I’ll keep you guys updated on this stargaze imaginary crush I have smh lol
If you’re a Stripper Notes loyalist then you know I’m in school and I’ve been doing so well! But yesterday I got lazy and missed some assignments and it really has me down because it brought my grade from an A to a B and I don’t like that. I want A’s! I can’t believe I slacked and thought I had all the time in the world to do these assignment, but I’ve also been cranking out videos like crazy on my Youtube channel and I’ve been enjoying that. The semester is ALMOST over and I can’t give up now! I have to push thru and be the best that I know I am! I am made to win and I will not lose! I have all the power I need to get these A’s and finish the semester strong! I’m not even going to get myself down about the B because as long as I know I worked hard and still willing to work hard that’s all that matters. I just wanted to brag to people that I made all A’s but screw that! I’m an independent woman who pays all her own bills, takes 6 classes and is smashing them all, makes videos, sells merch on eBay and loves the world! I am still sad, but I am no longer disappointing in myself because everything happens for a reason and I’m still proud of my accolades.
Its hard when you have such high expectations and they are not met, but hey that’s what growth and trying is for. If we were all perfect we would be very bored. I love being this mess of a work in progress because my growth is a light and it shines me in the right direction. We fall down, we get back up. We get our hearts broken, we fall in love again. We go broke!, we increase what we lost by 100!
I have high hopes for the end of this semester and all in all I have to be happy with what I’ve done. Not many 24 year olds are as independent and responsible as me and I love that about myself it’s really self fulfilling and being in school is like the diamond ring of my life right now.
When I took that year off last year and danced I was drinking a lo and my life had no direction. Now I feel a sense of purpose and I am so happy. I have nothing to be sad about and when I look back on all the things I allowed to cause me pain I feel no more pain because I chose to be happy even when I didn’t know what that was.
Thanks for reading, love you guys and girls so much *smooches*
So I guess I noticed this crush around thursday/friday and its just amazingly awful to feel! Omg you guys know I’ve been pushing away my feelings since I started dancing, because I feel like who could really love a stripper? So I don’t tell men and I just choose not to feel anything, but ummmm I kinda can’t help this! He also doesn’t know I’m a dancer and I think if he knew the conversation could maybe get deep, maybe even a fling, but noooooooo I don’t want any more flings.
We have discusse business idea and blah blah blah, just casual talk. But what made me catch the super feels from him was him! women always get mad at the other woman, but its the man who does the chasing. So yes he has a girlfriend and he loves her, but he also makes videos complimenting other women including me lol. Maybe he has no idea how much his subscribers really like him and he also flirts which is dangerous.
I will be speaking on having the feels publicly, but I won’t mention his name duh lol. I basically just want to get all of these feeling out and sort them out aloud. Lol I’lll keep you guys updated, but I will be doing all I can to physically avoid him, but I cannot emotionally do that right now and honestly it kind feels good to have the feels again after all these bad men situations and I just want something new.
My fears have also popped up and that is simply I am holding him to too high expectations, but I expect the best from any man I choose to like because I’m hella picky and I want my man to be the best!
First of all I’ve never met or spoken to this person personally and its basically an online crush, but omg idk if its the lack of sex on my part, but I have the feels super hard. There’s a little more in between, but I’m kinda excited writing this so I can’t type that fast lol. Basically he’s a youtuber who talks about black love and he’s in a relationship. It sounds so crazy for me to have a crush on this person, but I also follow him on instagram and we’ve likes each other’s pictures, but he’s in a relationship! No I can’t like someone in a relationships its totally against my morals lol. Yes I have morals! He did say if they ever broke up it’d be on, but maybe I’m taking it to seriously. I’ll be 25 next month and this is making me feel so much younger. Like an online boyfriend is crazy! I need a real boyfriend lol. I used to find lots of comfort in his videos now all I see is a crush. I can barely watch them and zi know it sound crazy, but I’m jealous of his girlfriend lol. I mean at the end of the day she can have him, but still. I want him. But I can’t be playing these games lol. Also I’m a freakin stripper and he has no idea. I would tell him immediately if he ever told me he had a real crush on me tho. Anything to push him away I guess, but I have a feeling he would be very accepting at least from a friend perspective, because he’s a life coach and psychologist.
I absolutely have the feels for him and this totally isn’t going to work. Also one of my more aggressive, broke and emotionally abusive ex’s is stalking me again yayyyyyy -_-
ttyl yall. I’m just gonna sit in here and do all my homework, create art and distract myself from these feels!
So as you all know I am busy as hell with school and I haven’t worked in weeks so I stopped by the club last night since I have lots of things coming up and I need money.
Since I haven’t been having sex my confidence and everything is on amazing and I’m really enjoying that.
So last night I got to work around 9:00 pm and everyone was complaining, but yall already know that’s not my style so I was owning the place like I usually do.
The first person I got money from was this guy yall may have read about way way back in my blog. Basically I tell him to give me money and then I just leave lol. He keeps giving me money so I’m going to continue to take his money and leave him with a hard dick in his hands lol. So he gave and my girls a little money then he wanted to leave, but I found someone better before I decided to hang out with him after wards. This is where the story gets weird lol.
So this is a 45 year old looking white man. Decent looks and average body. I’m not really into white men so he did nothing for me. Except give me money. He paid me $350 to come over for an hour and dance. As usual this guy was absolutely in love with me. I know with white men its just something about black women that turn on them on so much. As a black woman I don’t really have to work for most white men to be sexually attracted to me and the ones who aren’t are not important to me, because at the end of the day its all about me. Men can’t do anything without women and I know that and when you are a black woman you are so much more rare for white men. White men are used to living their regular day to day life without have real physical/sexual contact with a black woman let a lone a super beautiful black woman. So most white men go crazy for me and do whatever I say do. As I always tell you guys they also respect that I respect myself and have boundaries. I barely let them touch me and I barely touch them so when I do they go crazy.
Back to the story! So this guy takes me to his condo and I always dominate the conversation in a lady like way and men like a little power struggle. So I go undressed and he was very very very interested in my hairy armpits lol. He touched some of the hairs and started shaking. This is when he offered me an extra $200 to help him “cum” and I explained to him we weren’t having sex and all that, but I did give him a little assistance which I usually don’t do, but he was taking too long and I was ready to go and he knew that. He was also very turned on by my nails. I recently taught myself how to do my own nails and I have began to wonder what’s the point of it all and now I know nails are very important to men. Men love well manicured nails. I don’t like seeing pink penises, but the money was worth having to see it so whatever.
I’m going to get as much school work done as I can, because I’m definitely going back to work today and tomorrow. Lastly I just want to say always remain yourself and try not to compromise your morals for money. I may be a stripper and I even gave a hand job, but at then end of of the day I’m the one who is going to have to sleep at night with a clear conscious and as good as I am at what I do I still know that this is not something I want to do and this experience is for a reason.
You guys its official I’m afraid of porn! Ugh so its been about 4 months since I’ve had some peen and the struggle is real but whatever. I decided to turn some porn on and while it does arouse me I feel like it also takes the joy away. Like porn is just mad annoying sometimes.
Ok so when I was done watching the porn I went to sleep and chillllllllllle! I had a freaking pornmare! Omg I thought it was real life. I don’t remember the major details, but I do know multiple men were “raping” me while I was in my dream. I felt like a porn actress it was really horrible. I wanted them to stop, but they wouldn’t and I even wished I was dreaming and I knew I was, but just couldn’t wake up. When I finally woke up a few long dream minutes later I was so relieved. I may be done with the porn for a while guys.