I feel as if a parent sacrificed for their child, made sure they had a food, shelter and clothing that’s all great, but this post is not going to be about material things, but the emotional effects of bad parenting.
I am a 24 year old African American woman with a coon for a father and an emotionally immature mother. My parents like many other bad parents use their “parental” title as cause to have reign over my life when they want even though they have more than escaped their adult responsibilities as parents for more than 90% of my life. Yes I lived at home with my mother, but she worked her ass off at the airport standing and slaving all day so our relationship was far an few between. When she got home I could tell she was tired, so I give my mom way more of a pass than my dad. My dad needs to have his self hating ass skinned alive.
Lets discuss my father first because he was barely there and the story for his absent, half time as fuck ass is way easier to tell because since he was barely in my life my views of him haven’t changed much over the years.
When my dad married my mom he already had 3 children by 2 different women. Now lets take a moment to evaluate my mom’s choice in men. I’m sure my dad was nice enough, but what kind of financial stability can you expect from a man who already left behind 2 woman and 3 children? Did she think I was going to be the golden ticket that was going to change him? In my mom’s defense she already had my sister out of wedlock with a man who completely abandoned her until she met my dad so I’m sure she was just happy to have someone and ignored all of the glaring flaws he possessed. Not only that, but my mom’s older sister was know for seducing men my mom was dating and eventually having sex with them. She even had my 2 cousin’s by my mom’s ex-fiance and lied about it for years. So my mom really didn’t have a clear mind to choose a proper man. My grandma also never married anyone in her entire life so my mom never got to experience a proper family unit. (This is turning into my mom’s story, but whatever). I can tell my mom does not know how to have proper relationships with men because she dates low class men that don’t treat her well. I can tell she expects the most from those men, but the sad truth is those men don’t respect her because she doesn’t respect herself. I’m sorry, but a man is only going to treat to as well as you treat yourself and if you have been on the bus for years and have no plans on owning a car, don’t keep your physical appearance up and lack goals and motivation you may attract that very same man. I feel like to an extent that is what my dad is, but to me he doesn’t get a pass because #1 he’s a man so he’s supposed to be the leader which I NEVER have known him to be anything of the sort and #2 my mom just put in way more work and sacrifice for me so naturally I will put her way above him. I could tell growing up my mom took out a lot of her anger towards my dad out on me and I have little respect for someone who could treat an unaware child that way. My mom is 52 years old and it doesn’t look like she’s interested in changing her life for the better, but I wish she wouldn’t try to drag me into her life of misery and stagnation.
My dad is real piece of work. This blog post is only a snippet of what the fuck I deal with by having a full black self hating coon for a father. Let me just paint a little picture of my dad for you guys. My dad is 63 years old and he was born to my very dark skinned grandmother, but somehow my dad came out more on the lighter brown side so I assume he’s his father’s complexion. My whole family is from The Deep South so just try to imagine the type of racism they experienced 63 years ago when my father was born. Fast forward to my birth ad about at age 3 my parents got divorced. My dad is like Uncle Ruckus personified at times and its weird because he’s a Muslim so he likes to talk bro black bull shit, but when it comes to the black woman he has a field day bashing us from top to bottom. I am beginning to realize that maybe my dad hating me from the moment I was born. I know I sound like I’m over exaggerating, but you guys would honestly have to be there to understand what I’m saying. I nevr had any kind of emotional relationship with my dad its been mostly financial and barely. This bitch ass niggah fought my mom in court for child support and settled for about $1,800 when I was about 14 I guess because he was so old and is retired and on a fixed income. Not my problem as the child, just saying. My dad tries to fake like super dad when he introduces me to his “friends” but he know he doesn’t really fucking know me. If i chose to never talk to my father again he wouldn’t know anything about me and the most he could do was search me on the internet and watch some things I’ve created. Other than that he knows he’d have no reason to contact me. My dad has criticized my hair and body and never says anything uplifting about the positive things I’m doing. He’s one of those black me that pray on the downfall of the black woman because he knows he’s done her wrong and gets even more angry when she THRIVES WITHOUT HIM!
This is the part of the blog post where I will go in depth about how my father actively coons. I have a younger brother who i love to the moon and back even tho my dad tried to make his older kids jealous of him because he is the youngest and he’s MIXED. My dad is like a lot of ignorant ass black men that think if they get with a non-black woman they are an elite black. No niggah you still a niggah. Lets be clear I have zero problem with interracial dating and I’ve dated a few non-black guys myself so no judgement, but I dated them because I liked them, not because I was trying to prove a point to black men. My dad will tell me he can’t afford to help me because I’m an adult, yet he send $500 a month to my little brother’s mom in the Philippines, which I’m sure is $5,000 to her. Damn can you skip sending that grown old bitch some money for a few months and help your own fucking daughter who is putting herself through college and paying her own fucking bills? My dad is one of those black men who think all black women are strong work horses. He’s a bitch ass niggah to say the least. Then he likes to hid behind that Muslim bull shit. Well if I told those Muslim who he really was I’m sure they’d have nothing to do with his selfish ass. My also spends his spare time hanging around other bitter black men who I’m make a hobby out of bashing black women as well and when he isn’t doing that hes’ watching trash tv and if y’all know me y’all know I don’t own a tv and don’t want to. Another one of his cool hobbies is searching the internet for dating sites that cater to white and Asian women in search of black men. He does all this from the comfort of my grandma’s dining room table. Can’t make this shit up.
I’m sure you guys are wondering what has me so heated. Well I’l tell you. If you guys know my struggles of life from my blog then you know I have had so many things to overcome. I’m at that point again where I have many things to overcome and there is no room inmy mind or life for negativity all I need is emotional support and I’ll be fine. I know this sounds really self centered,but my car is really effed up and barely running and I need a new car badly. I’ve had this car for almost 5 years and ts barely holding on and my dad is synical and always talking about how nice the car is. I want to include a picture so you guys’s know I’m not making this up at all. I’m very grateful for my car, but sometimes you knwo when it is time to let some things go and its time for me to let this car g. I’ve always had issues with this car and my dad never ever gave a fuck he’s so fucking incompetent I’m not sure he eve knows how to change a tire I found this car on my own and maintain it, but now I need help since I’ve started school and don’t have much tome to work I need help and that the plain truth. Afer I told my dad he said he couldn’t help me, because he just took e and my little brother shopping. Something he’s never done and the first time he does he throws it up in my face. No comment. Anyway after the discussion of me getting a new car (which will be a used car of course) didn’t go well I hung up the phone with the same mindset I’ve had all my life since him being a disappointment is nothing new to me. I motivated myself and flooded my mind with ways to make money and save up an when I put my mind to something it always happens.
I’m going to close this post with more discussion about me, my mom and our mental health.
I have depression and anxiety and my mom is like a lot of black people who refuse to acknowledge mental health, but its obvious that she suffers from some sort of depression and anxiety also. My mom was and is still verbally abused by my grandmother and she doesn’t stick up for herself because she believes in that whole respect your parents no matter what thing, but for me I believe in respecting myself no matter what and if I allow anyone to disrespect me I am not respecting myself. My mom is not a motivating person and can’t have anyone like that around me. Its not healthy for my growth yet, she is always trying to latch on to me. I live in a house where I have roommates, but my mom is still inconveniencing me by staying over my house and sleeping in my bed, because she chose to ignore the dangerous living situation she entered into by moving in the house with my aunt that I desperately escaped. I tried to encourage my mom to find somewhere affordable instead of complain, but she’s lazy and chose not to. Now the weight is falling on me and I even got a failing grade on my first assignment in a class, because I was busy being sucked into family drama that I chose to separate myself from.
Now I see that I must harshly separate myself because my family is extremely toxic in many ways and I wish I could rely on them, but I can’t so I don’t even have the time of day. I predict that I will be successful and my family will resent me even more because of that and not only will they resent me, but they will feel entitled to my success. Honestly if its money my family wants I don’t care about money they can have that to a certain extent. I’ll give my dad a good $10,000 because that’s about the amount of money he’s given me in my lifetime and of course my mom will never have to worry again, but for now I need my space to grow and flourish without the toxicity and emotional burden.
I am on my grind double time since school is working out well for me, but please pray that my family understands why I don’t want to be around them.
I’m tired you guys …. thanks for reading and send all the love you can my way. Being strong and cold gets extremely taxing