Again I was depressed all day until I wasn’t. I went and got some Jamaican food and then vlogged a bit for my YouTube channel which people see to enjoy.
While I was eating I began having an anxiety attack and started to tear up so I stopped eating because when that happens I’m prone to vomiting the food back up. Now that I’m sober I’m more aware of what’s going on and I can rationalize more effectively. From what I understand it is very important to acknowledge what is going on while its going on and remember that this feeling is absolutely 100% temporary. This is mainly what helps me push through.
So after shooting a few videos and editing a few blog posts I was feeling about 30% better lol. Not much better, but hey just being honest. Around 8:30pm I took a shower and got ready for work. I wanted to go to work because I did want more money and also justhave somewhere to go. Traffic was absolutely horrible and when I got to work it was 10:00 pm and that is not an issue with me, because as you guys read in my previous post I work smart not hard. When I got to work I was feeling like I shouldn’t have come and I wanted to go back home right after I was already dressed and on the floor. This is a typical feeling when you don’t make guaranteed money and its all up to you. When I think this way I just flood my mind with thoughts of just being grateful for whatever happens and before I knew it I already had about $100 so staying was a better option since I had already made my tip out.
I actually exchanged energy with the first man I danced for through conversation which was amazing. We actually helped each other a lot. I could tell he was having a sad day, but he had no idea how my day was really going, because I’m not there to complain to customers and that doesn’t make you any money either. By the end of our conversation and dance session we were both really charged and feeling great so that was an amazing start to my night. I could tell he wanted to spend more time with me, but I didn’t have time for that so when he when to the restroom I left him and moved on to another really nice man who was so nervous to be around me. He was sweet, but something was off about him lol. I left him as well and mingled with a few other men. Then a man came in who gave me money for sex and i just took it and ran off and for some reason he still trusts me LMAO. He still wants to fuck me so when he see’s me now he still tries and gives me a little cash to just be around him and that’s the way I like it.
I am really really happy I pushed through my anxiety. Also had I gone home I would have missed out on a lot of money, because my regular ended up coming in.
Now lets discuss my regular for a moment. This man this man lol. He’s a mid 30 something hefty white plumber who comes from a well to do family and loves skinny women. He has money so he often pays for sex, and I think that’s what he thought he was going to get out of me eventually, but now he knows that will never happen. He actually loves me more for that. He is loyal, but he’s also very distracted and some what of a druggie which idgaf about we all have issues. My only thing with him is he thinks he can have who ever he wants and just drop you like a hot potato when he’s done and for that reason I don’t get attached to him. While I’ve known him he’s told me stories of his other women and they all seem pretty dumb to me, but if you’re fucking a regular then you are dumb. He gives me money, but definitely not enough to fuck me. Why would I stop my gravy train for a few thousand dollars when I can get a consistent amount on a consistent basis at least until he finds another jump off to pop. All in all we do enjoy each other’s company, but I’m not trying to hang out with him because I already know how that goes and it seems to never work. So I’m good seeing him in between his rendezvous and I’ll hustle like I usually do because while he’s a portion of my money he isn’t 100% of it.
Later that night I had a chat with my good girlfriend about being sad and owning your depression to overcome it. Some people may be uncomfortable with how candid I am about my depression, but it’s just a fact of life and I’m not going to pretend like it’s not there. At the same time just like I have depressing days I also have really amazing happy days and the balance is what keeps me doing what I love to do best and that’s create.