I have been living in the eye of the storm for the past 8 days, but I truly believe its mind over matter. Now that I have a few days to reflect on I feel like I have been waking up to anxiety attacks everyday. I know this sounds weird, but I believe that’s what’s been happening. My emotions have been crazy. I’ve wanted to punch walls, slam my laptop in half and take a steel hammer to my phone screen that I just got fixed again last week. I have so much anger in me sometimes. I’ve been so full of rage I just didn’t know what was going on. So I spent $50 on two cases of ensure and one of those motherfuckers is going back because I can’t even stomach all that sweet ass ensure anymore. I threw the one I had for breakfast up this morning and I also had one chicken wing and a few spoonfuls of rice for lunch. My weight has literally plummeted over the past 8 days. I have lost so much weight its crazy. I really fucking hate people commenting on my weight gain or loss because no matter how many I tell these deaf bastards I have a mental disorder and I can’t control my appetite they won’t listen. So I’m done explaining myself to annoying ass people who thing they are giving me advice. They think because I’m young and bubbly they can just say whatever the fuck they want and it really annoying.
I’m not sure if you guys have forgotten because I never talk about it, but yes I’m still a stripper and I went to work today. The last time I went to work my body was totally different but whatever it cool. Slim girls actually make a lot of money which I did not know until I began gaining weight and looking average lol. Now that I’m back to being a bag of bones I see what everyone says about skinny strippers. We really do make a lot of money effortlessly and the mental clarity from being sober only helps. It’s not easy to get up on stage and actually see how much your weight has fallen off in only one week, but I take it in strides.
I also get so much work done being sober its amazing. My ebay store is back up and running, my memory is better and I am just able to be more creative. The only thing is my appetite is COMPLETELY gone. I can’t eat a thing. I probably consumed 500 calories today lol. That was kinda nervous laughter. I was at home working on a project today just thinking to myself when am I going to eat again? Am I going to die this time? I stay hydrated so that helps A LOT. I don’t know what’s going to happen to my body at this point because I’m clearly only about 100 lbs and I’m still not eating. So I asked myself “Is there anyway you can control your weed intake to help the hunger?” I’m not even sure if the weed will help right now so I definitely don’t want to smoke it if its not going to definitely bring back my appetite.
I also didn’t feel like going to work because I felt like I fell down a rabbit hole of fatigue and I wasn’t sure if I’d get dizzy and just faint all of a sudden. I went to the only place I can eat when I have no appetite and that’s Jamaican food. Jamaican food really helped me gain weight a few months ago and I love it. I told myself that I’d purchase some weed, smoke it then see if I would want to eat it. So I bought the weed, them bought the Jamaican food and took it all home. I sold a few books on eBay so I wanted to pack those up before I got high so I printed the labels and packed them up. The Jamaican food was smelling good so at some of it and it was triggering my anxiety so i could only take a few bites. When I’m in this sort of state food triggers my anxiety and makes me cry and also gag on the food and obviously I can’t eat that way so I stop. Who wants to sob through eating and then gag on it. It literally impossible for me to eat. And if people are around its even worse I feel like they’re watching me and when you’re this skinny let’s be honest people are watching, and they find it perfectly fine to say things like “omg girl you need to eat” that also makes me want to cry and ruins my appetite. I really hate how people think just because you’re young, thin and beautiful that you are bulletproof it makes me just want to kill everyone.
I haven’t been to work in about 2 weeks and I really needed to go so I didn’t want the weed making me lazy before work so I said to myself I won’t smoke it until I get out of the shower. I ended up not smoking the weed because I’m actually afraid I won’t be able to stop smoking it even if it doesn’t bring back my appetite.
I love yall and thank you so much for the support