I’m just going to be honest here and say I had a rough entire day yesterday. Its hard trying to put on a brave face in the face of opposition. I have people who think I’m the one with all the answers and at 24 I wish people would not think that of me because i am not at ease. I’m tearfully thinking that now is the time for me to admit my self back into the psychiatric hospital, because I don’t know what’s going on That’s what I told them the first time I went. It makes me cry because i feel like that would be weak of me, but I’ve been telling myself I wouldn’t cry, but here I am. And I can’t make it stop.
On to a happier part of my day yesterday 🙂
At 11:00 am yesterday I went to the park to exercise and I was so weak from not eating I couldn’t even get through my pre-workout. How did I get here again? Have I been lying to myself or am I just changing. I want some answers. I want to trust all the research I did before I stopped smoking weed.
I was told I’d have
- Digestion issues
- Mood Swings
- Dormant emotions Would Arise
- And a shit ton of more things
After the first 2 day I quit I stopped doing research. I felt I knew everything I needed to know. Maybe I really do need to cut it all off again. Just cut everything off. I talk to my friends about my issues and i feel like they are celebrating my demise. I don’t know why I feel that way, but I do. I’m about to shut off and go away again. I think I need to go on another trip and ease my mind alone with some sun. I am not at ease. It’s weird that I feel more beautiful this way though. When I look into mirror I actually do see perfection in my imperfection. I do see beauty and maybe that’s also what I’m struggling with. How could I deserve to feel this way? I tried to stay away from certain kinds of music, but it does put me at some sort of ease to hear that an artist feels the same pain as me and they can articulate it so well.
Maybe I should just put my pain in the art.
My words, My pictures, Everything.
Soooo remember when I mentioned mood swings lol. Gosh haha.
This is just getting weird.
Omg let me tell you guys about what happened tome last night when I went to go get some food. So at about 1:30 am I wasn’t particularly sleepy so I drove around the block to get some wings from this karaoke Cafe across the street from the Hooters I used to work at. FYI the wings were gross and it was a waste of $11.00. I think apart of me just wanted to get out of the house and that was just somewhere for me to go. I was driving through the city and passed a few strip clubs that I’ll be going to check out on Monday. I feel like that part of the late night drive was meant to be, because as you guys know I’ve always been a firm believer in having more than one form of income, but since I’ve been working at this club that hasn’t been the case. I do like this club I’m at, but I also need options so the search is back on! My wig will be completed this weekend and Monday I will be back on the prowl. I just finished crying, but I do feel a lot better lol. I don’t know why I was trying so hard to hold it in, but I just don’t like experiencing those emotions i feel like I should be over that kinda stuff, but idk what to say I guess crying isn’t that. I do feel a bit more at ease honestly. This life is something I still don’t understand, but I’m getting there. I still need a vacation.
I think I’m going back to my safe haven which is LA. I know I said I’d visit my friend in DR, but I need to be alone out-of-town right now. I may not even go back to LA. I just want to go somewhere sunny and far away with warm beach water. I may go back to Miami lol. I think I would love being in Miami alone. I know exactly where I’m going actually. I need some beach air you guys know me lol.
It’s so weird because I’m someone who smokes weed and drinks alcohol basically everyday and I cut all of that out as you guys know or whatever, but aren’t I supposed to be feeling better? I’m not lol. Ok well health wise I do feel better, but mentally I’m not feeling so hot If you happen to be reading this and you are a person who would like to sponsor this vacation of mines let me know because I’d love that.