So I’m fresh from vacation and I made myself some promises for returning. I was so lost about what I wanted to do and what I realistically was actually going to do. Saving up to travel is one of those things for me that is a sacrifice, but once I begin it kind of takes on its own snowball effect into perfection. Career and success building is much different. In Career in success you have to make that action move so the universe can give you that next step to take. Personally speaking I can freak myself out of not even taking that first move. I easily spent thousands of dollars on vacation and every dollar was well spent, because that was what I worked hard for. On the other hand there is also that dissatisfaction when the vacation is over and the money is spent tho. When I got back from San Diego I was so emotionally torn and numb that I knew I had to quickly go on another vacation. San Diego turned out to be a big ball of anxiety. I love that city and can’t wait to go back tho. So after I came back from Miami I was still a little lost and once again trying to figure out what just happened over the past few months with my ex coming and going and all of that. I still love and respect him and probably always will. I remember when I first met the new guy 2 years ago he pitched all the perfect business shit to me and to no surprise it was all smoke and mirrors. He may mean well, but simply falls short and I can’t blame him for my own demise. It up to me to get off of the sinking ship and save myself because we all remember what happened to Jack from Titanic when he was messing around with old Rose lol.
With all of that being said I am very proud of myself as of late. I painted my first piece and hung it up in my room and just the act of having to gather all of the materials and create something from my own mind inspired me to stick to my word of becoming a better person. Art also makes your space feels like a different place so I will be purchasing and making more art. After I hung up the piece I was feeling frustrated like a “what now” feeling. So I dug deep into my mental and asked myself what I wanted and what I wanted to do and this is a hard question for anyone so I’m no different. At this point I was feeling stumped and honestly I think I was purchasing things to make me happy and you know how that goes. It kinda gives that “one night stand effect”. For the longest I have made many excuses as to why I haven’t produced more out of my eBay store and I could give a million excuses and the only excuse is laziness. I’ve been holding myself back and of course not on purpose, but that’s still the fact. There are things that I said I’ve needed for years and could have purchased 10x over, but I saw those things as sacrifices that weren’t worth the greater good so I put business investments on the back burner. I also doubt my ability too much and lose focus of the hard work it takes to make something succeed. Successful people make it look so easy, but the truth is they just worked extra hard with the tools and time they were given Successful people do not take opportunities for granted and see the longterm value in sacrifices. I think I’ve been content with mediocrity for too long and now that I am aware of that I’m excited to be doing new things.
I am also a young woman so to exclude relationships would be absurd lol. I gave a little thought to my lack of personal achievements and relationships and I ask myself a few questions. In proof reading this it seems to me like my careers and my personal life have a striking resemblance. They both exude a lazy, unkempt nature. I can’t believe I’m just now really seeing this. At this point I see things clearly and its up to me to do something about what see. Lets be clear I am prepared to be happily single for happiness 🙂 So If I were in a relationship with the people I want to be with would I still be ignoring my dreams and goals or smashing them? Now as a woman we do seek validation from the men we love and there is no getting around that, and I do love making someone who has been a cheerleader for me proud of me, however I don’t see success for myself with either of the men I “want” to be with so I think I’d obviously still be in the same boat. One of them is still young and doesn’t know how to even be in a relationship and the other guy surprisingly at 41 still has a lot of personal growing to do as well. Bottom line a relationship isn’t in the cards for me right now and isn’t the end all be all of life. Yes I may talk about it a lot, but I can’t ignore the feeling it so I will express it. I honestly need to spend some time getting to know myself a lot better. Like many women I’m too giving and I get left out in the cold when I am in need so the best remedy for that is self-care and I know it’s easier said than done. The lonely journey will definitely be intersting and has already proved to be so.
I would like to send in saying I am STILL very proud of myself. I am being very responsible with my money and doing things for myself I only dreamed of a few months ago. I finally have my own space, I travel to amazing places and my work ethic is amazing. I do still have some fears of success, but I’ll still be in this same place years from now if I don’t take these risks right now. These days instead of blowing my money into relaxing spa days I’ve been investing in equipment for my business that I know I need. Being a one man band is hard, but I learned my lesson with working with people and I’d rather have someone work for me, because when you can fire someone you have a different kind of leverage. I find that people will never take your business as serious as they take their own or want to just plain steal all of your ideas which is basically the old crabs in a barrel. Now a days when I have some kind of success of happiness happening in my life I am hesitant to tell people, because let’s be honest you know most people don’t mind you doing well until you start doing better than them. Being an entrepreneur really is a lonely road and that is not a negative thing it’s just another part of the equation so don’t give up and don’t listen to the haters. As long as you work hard and remain true to your goals you will be fine.
So when I was a senior in high school I got a horrible boil under my right arm. It was so painful that it kept me up or woke me up some nights and I refused to put any kind of deodorant on it in fear that I would irritate it. After the boil went away I was very weary of deodorant and didn’t really like it much, but I still wore it. A few years later met a guy who did not wear deodorant and he smelled absolutely glorious to me. His natural body smell was intoxicating and I just love to inhale his smell. I spent so much time with him that we almost turned into each other. He gave me the good and I gave him the bad lol. No I definitely don’t wear deodorant as much as I used to and when I do it’s all natural. I never cared much about what men at my job would think because there are so many naked bodies around I’m sure they can’t tell who smells like what. I also enjoy the natural smell of my body no matter how stinky my pits are. Men surprisingly also love my natural smell and find it just as intoxicating as I found that guy’s. I receive compliments and comments on my natural aroma often. I had one customer literally rub his thumbs in my armpits constantly to get the smell on his hands. He told me that was his favorite part of the dance. When I smell myself I do have a very distinct musky smell and it drives men crazy.
Sometimes it’s not about smelling like a store-bought flower, but a rare and beautiful wild flower.
like anyone I did not know I was poor until someone told me. The first person to tell me we were poor was my grandma on mom’s side. I hated when she said that because every time she said it I felt like it was more true, but I absolutely know I did not want that for myself. My parents were divorced by the time I was 3 years old and it was normal to me growing up with out my dad in the house. My dad ha neglected 90% of his responsibilities and threw a LITTLE cash at my mom a month. When she tried to take hm to court and get more money he was furious and tried to antagonize her for it even though I saw her bust her ass my whole life. Until I was 6 years old me, my mom and my older sister lived with my grandma and sometimes aunt and cousins. By the time my mother moved out she had had enough of my family allowing my aunt to be lazy and have tons of kids while my mom works to pay the bills. We moved into duplex and it wasn’t the best and I missed being around my cousin’s, but it did make me feel a little status. We were no longer in the home of my jaded, negative grandmother who did nothing, but put down any hopeful idea that anyone might have. We moved around a little more so after that we moved to my great aunt’s house who passed away. I loved that house and it was my first time ever living in a house in m entire life and it was also my first time having my own room which actually wasn’t as exciting as I had hoped. I was 10 years old at this point in my life and felt larger than life. I felt like my family was very wealthy and then my mom got a car which made me so happy because no one in my family really didn’t drive. I was so excited about her car because as a child I was so embarrassed to see my classmates around town at grocery stores and things and having to carry tons of bags from the grocery store to a bus stop, then wait at the bus stop, then take this exhausting journey home. I came to the point where I refused to go to the grocery store with my mother because I didn’t want to catch the bus or ask a ride-man for a ride. At about age 13 I had middle class friends whose parents had homes and cars and when I’d go home I would try to imagine how wonderful life must me to have a nice clean home decorated beautifully and a comfortable car to ride in.
The worst day of my life was probably after we moved from one apartment complex to a much smaller one in a much more poor neighborhood. After we moved from my great aunt’s house we moved back to the apartment complex we lived in before we lived in the duplex. Those apartments were closing down for renovation and in my mom’s regular fashion she waited to the last-minute to find somewhere to stay. I wanted an upgrade, but we got anything but that. This apartment complex was so small and ghetto for lack of a better word. I wouldn’t call it projects because we did pay good money for rent, but the apartments were definitely ghetto. It was the kind of environment where you go somewhere and come back and see the same guys hanging on the block like they haven’t moved an inch. Of course the apartments were roach infested and like many poor people my mom accumulated lots of useless dated junk which didn’t help. The first day we moved there I sat on the floor of a small bedroom floor my sister and I would share and I cried. The last time I cried for no reason like that my sister was leaving me behind to go to middle school while I finished my last year of elementary school. We lived there for seven years and it was mental hell for me. My neighbors included drug dealers, drug users, single mothers, and the SWAT team were regular guests as well. After seven years a bad bedbug infestation pushed us out thank god. At that time I was 21 years old and I had been living there since I was 14. I know that it was during that time that my depression was at a peak. In high school I knew I was poor because I couldn’t focus because my life felt so hidden. When I was at school I loathed going home. I would stay out late doing anything not to go home. By my sophomore year in highschool I had started an eBay store to purchase a pair of expensive boots that might be marked down and then I realized I could sell things on there. I sold whatever I could find. My mom had gotten me a digital camera for christmas and I used it to its fullest benefit! I loved that camera. By my junior year in high school I started working at six flags and I finally had my own money and I loved it. Yes the work was hard, but the money was good and I loved it. Before I was 18 I had been in a bout 5 money-making situations. I always knew that if I desperately needed something my parents could possibly have it, but more than likely wouldn’t. That did cause me to resent my parents, but by the time I was 17 I could have moved out and looking back I wish I would have. If you met me in real life you’d think I was a Hollywood actress or Model and that’s how I viewed myself growing up no matter my financial status. I wasn’t going to allow my physical reality infect my mental reality. I refused to live the way I did forever and I wondered why my family lived that way. At 20 years old by the time I got a car I felt like I had done the impossible while many kids get way better cars than I had for their 16th birthdays. I know parents have to make sacrifices, but I didn’t understand why they chose what they were choosing. I came to understand that the only person that could change my family’s outlook on my family was my family. Someone put that idea into their heads that they were poor and that’s just how life was and I wasn’t going for that idea. I would like to say that even though my mother did not have the courage to live her dreams she did give me the space to do what I wanted to do even if she could not give me the money and did not know how to support me, because what I was doing was foreign to her.
If you are from a poor family you do not have to live like that forever. It is your choice and at some point you have to forgive your past and accept responsibility in order to move forward.
I vowed to never get a credit card again after I became immensely behind on my Victoria’s Secret credit card. Then I needed a new laptop and had no job so then there was the Best Buy credit card that I used to purchase this laptop. I never made one payment on this laptop and I purchased it in 2014. I didn’t mean to not pay it off, but I wasn’t responsible with my money and irresponsibility comes with consequences. Those were the olden days when I was 22 and now at 24 years old I stand wiser. My victoria’s secret credit card rose from a $5 purchase to $268 from fees and interest ugh. I think this was the reason I ignored it, because that was some bullshit to me. I am choosing to be a financially responsible person and whether we like it or not credit is an important part of that. It makes no sense to have simple doors closed just because you could comprehend the ways of the world or wanted to be a rebel without a cause. Now understanding the importance of credit I went to my credit union to apply for a credit card and I was denied. Thank goodness I didn’t really need the credit card and just wanted it because that would have been devastating to find out that I cannot borrow money in a time of need because of some neglected expenses that I wouldn’t be able to make go away at the moment. I’ve been there and it’s depressing. It is better to handle these things before they get out of hand.
It’s so funny how eager the debt collectors are like ugh calm the fuck down bitch. And then they try to be friendly on the phone, but they just want your money. I just appreciate a professional service operator I don’t need the small talk. Thanks but no thanks bitch just process my payment and report it to credit so we can both put this relationship behind us. My last obstacle on my credit is this laptop. It was about $900 and the collection agency is settling for like $548 which is awesome to me. I want to pay it off right now, but I’m not sure if I will still be denied until the bank clears the payment and reports it to the credit bureau. So more than likely I will use the money I saved for my camera to purchase my camera, then pay off my credit card and finally get a credit card for the right reasons.
I believe store credit cards are the worse and I don’t recommend them. It makes no sense to purchase something you can’t afford or need unless you use that item as a tool which I have done. I’ve had to get this computer fixed with money from my own pocket and that makes this machine that much more valuable to me tho.
Finally I would like to say if you are having financial problems there is hope for you. There are ways you can cut corners to save money, believe me I have had to cut lots of corners to lighten my load and rise to the top. Eat free food, go on lots of dates, visit friends and family, eat on a budget and so forth. Also do not purchase things that you do not need such as home accessories and things. If you have some things around the house just create something instead of wasting money on retail price items. Use up everything you have to its fullest benefit. Invest in quality things so that you WILL use them up. And during this time save every bit of money that you can. Your income should go to bills and food. Now I’m not going to lie like I don’t eat out and buy things, but I buy everything on deals and I’m creative. I purchased some lawn leaf bags to paint on for $1.98 and that’s going to last me a long time and I even got a large canvas to paint on for free. I was in alignment with my purpose and the universe was pushing me. Do not underestimate nice things people do for you.
Ok I’ve rambled long enough ttyl. I love you guys 🙂
I can be an overly generous person sometimes to my own demise, but it brings me so much joy to make others happy. When my little cousin and I were in Miami we picked up a few souvenirs for some people. I got my mom a beautiful dress, tank top and a few key chains. I also picked up key chains for my family in Philly that I don’t see often. We are not the type of family to go all out for birthdays and Christmas and that’s probably because I don’t come from a family of money. Now that I am an adult and I am able to do things for my family, friends and even strangers I do what I can for them. I also got my good friend a mug. We aren’t particularly the type of friends who purchase things for each other often because we are truly friends for the good relationship. I got her the mug as a place holder for her future. She is transitioning to the Dominican Republic and is having to overcome a few hurdles. I imagine her drinking some relaxing hot tea in that mug while sitting in her humble apartment and remember that things may have been bad then but now life is amazing.
A few weeks later my roommate gave me a webcam because it was not compatible to his computer. I am so grateful for that webcam, because I have been researching cameras and saving money for the one that I want which I have finally done. I am grateful for that webcam because it too symbolizes that things get better and there are purely awesome people in the world. Giving from the kindness of your heart is very powerful and breeds love even if it’s not from the person you gave too and will almost always be unexpected. I challenge you to give your heart to the world and pay it forward! If someone has blessed you in ways you can’t re-pay them then pay it forward to another unsuspecting soul and allow your positive spirit to live forever.
Miami was amazing and my trip was full of amazing experiences. My 18 year old cousin and I lived in a hostel which is also great for solo travelers. The hostel had 12 beds with triplet bunks. It wasn’t bad at all to me since we were just sleeping there and had a very active trip.
Our trip began August 2, 2016. We flew from Atlanta to Orlando to Miami because of storms. It took us about 8 hours, but we were so happy to be there. Our hostel was right on the beach. It was also in between a restaraunt and a rooftop lounge. We were right in the middle of the party!
The very next day was Wednesday. My cousin and I woke up at about 9:00 am to hit the beach. After frolicking in the water for a few hours we had some expensive beach food and then had sandwiches and smoothies at a sandwich shop. I didn’t realize how easy it was to also get weed out there litrally every other person sells it. After I got some weed we walked to a night club that was not poppin so we left and went back to the hostel.
Thursday we rented bikes and rode a 26 mile rountrip to the movies to see Suicide Squad. I didn’t think I would be able to cycle that far, but I did and it was so much fun. Suicide Squad was also a really good movie and introduced me to my favorite new villian, Harley Quinn. It was 11:00pm by the time we left the movies. It was so dark and we still had to bike home, but we found our way around the city and back to the hostel. After we got home I went to the beach park to smoke. I mingled there a little and then went to bed.
Friday was supposedly our last day so we hit the art district in Wynwood. Wynwood is a colleection of beautiful murals on buildings and amazing art. Since this was basically our last day we picked up some souveniers for our family. We had a little fancy dinner and then I hit the roof top lounge while my little cousin got some sleep. The lounge was fun, but I wasn’t feeling it by myself so I went to sleep soon after as well.
Today is saturday which is when I met the Italian man I told you about in my last post. We were just chilling waiting on our flight which we had missed and didn’t even know. We ended up catching a flight early sunday morning.
I really did need that vaction to just relax and have some carefree fun without a man. I had a great girls trip and I’m looking forward to my next one, but for now I’m back to the grind.
So on my very last day in Miami my little cousin and I checked out of hostel and chilled on the park beach! An Italian man was watching me and whisked me away. It was so spontaneous and fun. I had just smoked the last of my weed at this point and he came by and asked me for a light for his cigarette. I was holding one so of course I said ok. He asked me if I wanted one and yup I took one, lit mines, then his with mines. He was very affectionate and I’m not used to American men publicly being that way. I mean get hit on all the time, but its different. When an international man hits on you he is very romantic like cut the bull shit. He was a mis 30-something year old with a short/shaggy beard, hazel eyes and a decent smile. Hen asked my little cousin if he could take me to get a beer around the corner and she said sure. She read he book in the grass. I know she enjoys her alone time too like the rest of us. So while we were getting beer there were lots of people walking by since we were right on South Beach. We stood there and drank the beer and smoked another cigarette. He picked up a penny and gave it to me. He said that penny was evidence that this moment was meant to be. I was so wooed lol. I still have that penny. It’s in my little leather cognac Coach purse that I can’t fit a lot of junk in. It’s next to a note that the lighting guy gave me from the set of a show I did background acting for.( Another post for another time.) Anyhow I had an amazing time.
Our view from the hostel.
Flower Wall inside of Wynwood Walls at the Wynwood Art District.
I loved this mural.
I said sure of Omg I’m gonna import some pictures of my trip for you guys. We had and amazing time must fully re-cap it for you!.
So a beautiful Ethiopian man used to come to my old club which is where I met him. I met him one day when I was new there and having a horrible night. The club was packed wall to wall and I just didn’t get what was happening. It was one of those nights when I wasn’t feeling it, but I was still trying to hustle and the God’s were not believing my false ambition. So luckily I brought my own wine to keep me company since NO ONE was fucking with me and at the very end of the night I figured I might as well just talk to someone entertain myself.I saw a cute looking man by the bar so I walked up to him and waited for him to talk to me since I’d had my share of rejection that night. He was a sweet mid 30’s Ethiopian man who was amazed by my beauty. For some reason I was feeling adventurous so I went to get Tacos with this guy. We were both very tired and I was still living at home at this point and was in no rush to get home. At this time I was talking to another man, but it didn’t seem too serious to me since he never spoke of committing in an entire year. I was very attracted to this guy and of course he was attracted to me, but I was getting annoyed and was ready to go after I got some sleep so we got a room and slept.
I had no desire to sleep with this guy and he was as gentlemen as he could be with a beautiful woman in his bed. After all that I went home and I think he gave me some money or something. Then the next time he came to see me it was a similar scenario except I had a great night that time and he was just extra. I shouldn’t have hung out with him that time, but I was being greedy so we got some Vietnamese Pho and got a room to crash. I was totally giving him the cold shoulder and turned my back to him to sleep. Ever persistent he kept bothering me and which was really annoying me so he took a cold shower, put some money on the table and left. He never gives me enough money so I don’t really care about him that much, but he’s sweet so I deal with it sometimes. I’m also the “unavailable” one in the situation often.
Obviously he wants to date me for real and I don’t have time to crash into anybody right now. So I say alllllll that to say when he came to see me last night he was his same regular self. He told me he missed me a million times and we sat together for a while and I did some dances, but I didn’t want to dance so I only did a few. Then all of a sudden I saw him put something in his pocket that looked like a gold wedding band. He had that fumble as he got up to go to the restroom and I already made up in my mind that I was gonna ask him if he was married. So when he got back he sat down and talked about its crazy how crazy life us. He continued talking about how he’s been to as many funerals as he has weddings this year. I was sympathetic, because I know that’s what he wants right now. And I’m pretty sure he wants to settle down and have children. He takes care of his elderly parents and see’s what is really important and that’s family. I was still thinking in my head how I was going to as him about that thing that looked like a gold wedding band. Before I could even say anything he says “life has been crazy. Since the last time I saw you I got married.” I was little confused, because he gives off nothing but single vibes. He’s mentioned other women, but never put anyone on the same level as me. He then told me it was a marriage to get someone in the country and now she’s in Toronto with her real boyfriend who couldn’t get her in either.
After that my club closed and we went to a hookah lounge and had a little qt. I’m not that into him honestly I’ve seen his peen and I’m not too impressed. However this time I really did enjoy his company. I’m a single girl and I get lonely at this house by myself. After we left it was about 4:30 and I was restless. He wanted to spend more time, but I was ready to go so I went home so he took me back to my car and drove home. All the thing’s he’s saying sounded nice, but marriage is marriage to me and before I believe what he’s I need receipts.
Monday is good day to work, but I wanted to spend some quality time with my good friend who is moving out of the country. We got Brazilian waxes, got a few lunches and chilled at my house.One of my regulars wanted me to come in, but I wasn’t feeling it at all that night so I declined even though I need the money for this trip my health is more important.
After starting my work week out without working I felt the need to go harder.
Tuesday I wore my very short natural hair and I made good money and got fucking wasted. I was totally shit faced and I couldn’t even believe I was that drunk. Lots of great people were showing me love so I had a good vomit sandwich and went home with a bag full of money.
When I woke up I felt like shit. I had to pump my body with water and natural foods so I believe I went grocery shopping at Trader Joes to get food for the week which is giving me my life! I made salmon burgers, got fresh fruits and veggies, picked up my favorite grapefruit soda and a few more wonderful foods. I totally didn’t think I was going to drink at work, but my regular came in to bless me and I had a few dranks. I think 2 drinks down from 8 is great progress lol.
This wasn’t such a great day, This was one of those days where you have to remember to be a smart girl and save your money. It wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t good at all oh and this is the day that man snatched my wig off my head is his drunken horny stupor LMAO! I was a little restless on Thursday, but I had to make up for this bad day so I knew I was going to work Friday.
So earlier in this day my little cousin and I went to get our nails and feet done so I knew I was going to be a little late to work. I didn’t feel like going, but at this point why stop now when the week is almost over, rent is due and I will be out of town for a week. By the time I left my little cousin’s house it was 9:15 and I usually arrive to work at 7-8:00. After I left her house I came home, made myself up, rolled a blunt and dipped. I actually only had a few glasses of white wine this night. I’m cutting back remember. This is the latest I’ve ever gotten to work and I knew they were gonna try me with the games. So when I got there they were talking about you have to pay house fees upfront before 10:00. I already know they didn’t expect me to have any coins, but I do so my access was granted. I didn’t make much money, but I did have great conversation with a few men and made a few decent coins for what time I came. After work I hung out with an old regular who adores me. He always shows me a good time and I love him for that. After work he took me to an African hookah lounge and had a few drinks. I was tired, but by this time my body was used to the hustle and bustle. I got home around 5:00 am and got some sleep.
OMG today is saturday and I’m so glad its over! I wore a curly wig today which was cute of course. My regular came in with a girl I worked with at a few other clubs and she’s beautiful and sweet so i was happy. We did a few dances and they left. I don’t care because I don’t have time to hang out with him and don’t want to. Honestly he likes the mystery. After he left I wanted to be done, but so many people were showing me love it would’ve been dumb. I only had two shots tonight and made great money so this was an amazing end to my week. I’m so happy I hit all my goals and can chill by the beach no worries 🙂
My body is very tired, but I ate good and clean this week and that kept my energy high!
Thank Yall for reading there are so many more details I want to put in there. Podcast coming soon 🙂