I’m Feeling Super Weird

Stripper Notes 25Last night at work was the best night this week by far so I was happy with that. I had lots of people showing me a lot of love and I absolutely love that. That is the part of work that makes it fun for me. I got really really drunk on some henny and that’s fine I guess. Someone wanted to take me to breakfast after work but I was just way too tired and drunk when I got home so I declined. Once I got home I had a bit of a headache, but I was still very drunk and tired and wanting to drunk call someone who is never a good idea so I talked myself out of that. As you  guys know I am against social media, but I was on snapchat during my San Diego trip and for a few weeks after that fishing for attention like everyone else on there. I got it of course, but of course it wasn’t want I wanted so I made the decision to get back off of it this week which was easy since its not the first time I’ve done it and I don’t rely on social media for much anyway. Now for those of you who don’t know how snap chat works allow me to explain.

snapchat

snapchat

  1. You can post pictures and videos that will expire in 24 hours 

  2. You can see exactly who has viewed each of your posts

  3. People don’t need your permission to follow you, but you can block anyone as well 

  4. Other people can see if you have viewed any of their posts

  5. There is also a private messaging portion called DM or Direct Message 

  6. People can see when you opened their message

  7. Snapchat notifies you if someone screen shots your private messages 

 

Ok so I battle back and forth deleting and downloading the snapchat app because I do communicate with a few people on that app, but mostly my ex and I had a lot of communication on snapchat. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to leave the app on my phone because of the temptation to communicate with someone I don’t need to communicate with or share something publicly that want them to see indirectly. My ex is a man first of all so of course he’s going to watch my snaps on certain attention grabbing posts, but I also feel some type of way when he doesn’t watch every single snap. I knew then I kinda had a huge problem somewhere. Last night I almost almost watched his story on snapchat which is something I NEVER do. If I would have watched his story I would have felt like I lost or gave in or worse….. snooping lmao. Then there is the possibility of seeing something I don’t want to see. Being that I have experience with emotions like this I acknowledged them and made the conscious decision to not post anything on snapchat, not look at my ex’s story and not post anything as well. I also feel like I should delete him or block him or something as my friend told me to do, but I didn’t feel the need to do that. I felt like it would be a slap in the face to him and I wouldn’t want anyone to feel that way, but another part of me know that we’ll never ever be like we used to be so why not make a clean-cut. I have blocked people’s phone numbers and stuff like that, but that always makes me want to contact them that much more so I don’t do that much anymore. Now since I don’t get on social media much and I don’t watch his snaps I feel like it will give us another form of freedom to do and say what without questioning if this is something he would like to see or whatever. I guess I have to block him lol. Sorry not sorry.

I did just block him, and I’m already thinkin of ways I’ll be able to contact him or find him on snapchat lmao wtf is wrong with me!? 

At this point it has nothing to do with snapchat and everything to do with me and this os going to be a mind over matter situation. If I feel the need to post on snapchat I will do so and I was going to unblock him I guess in hopes that he would snoop and he probably would, but who cares I don’t need that anyway. I also felt like it was too tempting having him there in my blocked box, but I could easily find him anyway so no which way is extra tempting than the other. I just have to not give a fuck the same way he doesn’t. I feel free and out there, but I think the freedom to not give a fuck is the best feeling.

I appreciate every single one of my readers for allowing me to express my crazy thoughts and accepting me for who I am and not who I am supposed to be.

 

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