I Love Myself #DoItAfraid

So my birthday is this month and before I get started writing I have to acknowledge the fact that I am truly a different person right now than I was last year. I was not in a good place and now I’m in an amazing place mentally. I may not be perfect, but I have everything I dreamed of having for a long time which are really simple things, but they are still massively important to me and my happiness. Growth is scary, but its a beautiful thing when you are grateful for where you came from and everything you have worked for. I’m guessing you guys want to know what I grew from and where I was in my life since you’re still reading. Well first of all I’m sure we all get those mini mid-life crisis when we are transitioning from one measured age in our lives to another age and this was absolutely me. I was feeling like I hadn’t done enough, but I was desperately trying to be positive about where I was in life and what I had to live for, but it just wasn’t working. I was still in school and unable to focus on what I was studying because of my life at home with my family, I didn’t have a job because I quit my job that was the source of much personal unhappiness for me as well, I was still living at home after a failed attempt to move out, I felt like I was not getting the support I wanted and needed from my family with my career choices such as business, modeling and acting. I was also in very unhealthy relationship that I didn’t even realize was as unhealthy as it was because I loved the person so much and finally I was 5’6 and 75 lbs due to the amount of stress I had on my life. I am young, but I felt that my physical looks were fading due extremely low weight that I felt I could not get control of due to my severe emotional nosedive. I had extremely low self esteem during this time in my life because I had realized that people I loved such as family and men were essentially using me and it was hard for me to understand how people who were supposed to love me could make me feel this way. You have to learn to let go of people, places and thoughts that are not serving you. It was then when I realized that it was me who allowed them to do it and I decided I wanted a change. After my 23rd birthday I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital for women and there were girls in there as young as 14 to as old as 65. I was still very stubborn, about my emotional situation, but I did learn to eat correctly and gain weight while I was there. I had much emotional counseling which I resisted as well.

Today I am the person I am because I learned how to begin to put myself first. I look back and I’m just a totally different person. Just totally different. I still make mistakes and I am not perfect, but I’m happy with life and I’m happy with the progress I have mad and will continue to make. Its like one day I woke up and everything I wanted is here in my lap. No it isn’t as glamorous or as perfect as I would like it to be, but its what I wished for. I think things will continue this way if I truly aim for all the stars I want. I was aiming for mediocrity and that’s basically what I got, but life will continue and I know if you hold a thought in your mind long enough and actually work towards it it will eventually happen.It is very  I wanted to move out and become. I never imagined I would be here where I am, but here I am.

Lastly I want to acknowledge my cousin who interrupted this post that I was working on this morning, but I appreciate her and he call because she gave me a good message. In my family the women truly inspire and encourage each other. I was up in Philly with her last year during this time for her birthday and my birthday and also trying to escape negativity. I had a conversation with her about how I believe in her and I really want to see her live her dreams and become the great hair stylist that I know she can become. She is also a mother of two and has a really busy schedule with learning this whole motherhood thing that us young women are thrown into and we’re lucky if the man even stays and helps, but most of the time they don’t. She does have a really great boyfriend who is there for her though and I’m so glad. She was talking to me about how she wants a part time job, but her new baby is only 2 months so she doesn’t want to leave him and I always tell her to just do a few heads of hair a week and that will be extra money, but she hasn’t started doing that yet. I was however very very happy to hear that she finally received her mannequins in the mail and she will be practicing hairstyles and she will be working on getting clients! I know trying new things are very scary, but she said the best piece of advice a woman once gave her was “Do it afraid” and that’s so perfect. That little phrase is a short and sweet way to describe how we all feel about new things. I do everything new very afraid, but I eventually get better at what I am doing and it is no longer fear driving the action, but expertise. Fear is a real thing, but you only have to fear something you haven’t tried and  you can only try something once, after that you are “practicing” or just doing it lol. I’m going to do more things afraid and love every moment. Practice does make perfect, but you have to “do it” first.

Love where you are. Love Where you were. Love where you are going. 

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