My Life Is A Snotty Rag Of No Emotions At This Point

So I’m officially going to the doctor’s tomorrow and I’m just ready for this misery to be over. I’m ready to eat food again and I might even smoke a little weed. I also feel like I’m lacking emotion. That’s kind of ridiculous because during this exact time last year I was a 24/7 crying basket case. I go from that to watching all kinds of sad movies and listening to sad songs and nothing. Not a single tear. The one fake tear I squeezed out was after seeing a documentary on a beauty pageant in Brazil where a mom saw how beautiful her daughter was, and I really forced that one lmao. I used to really hate and regret behaving that way, but now looking back at it the only thing I regret is not directing that sorrow towards the man in my life. I felt like if I could numb my emotions I would be good and normal, but this actually feels really weird. The only reason why I’m not as emotional is indeed because I essentially no longer have that man in my life. It felt that way last year, but I think this year I owned myself a lot more in the relationship and I no longer allowed myself to be as vulnerable to him, because I felt very abandoned in the relationship. Even After I discussed all of this with him I still feel as if he didn’t understand of was either somehow not approving of my lifestyle even though he said he was. That’s fine, but now I’m kind of emotionless. After every heartbreak being emotionless sounded so great, but its actually really weird. I think I’m going to have a conversation with him about that, because I actually did text him and he didn’t text me back lol. I’m actually fine either way with that even though I would really prefer he texted me back because I do miss him and I want to feel again. On the other side I will also tell him that I feel he’s made me this emotionless person. I’ve had to guard myself in a relationship for so long I don’t even know how trust anyone, but if I wasn’t gonna trust anyone I’d want it to be him right now. The only thing that would probably bring my emotion back is being back with him and even then I know I’ll be guarded. At the same time I guess I’ll be fine without him because like I said I have no emotions right now.  I’m also terribly ill and I could give a f*ck less, but after my illness is gone I’d really appreciate it if my emotions would return 🙂

Lastly R.I.P. to Prince 

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