Second Night Sleeping In A New Place : Nightmares

I only fear one thing and vainly enough that is probably not being accepted. I was picked on terribly as a child and inside my own family I was envied it seemed and not supported at all which also made me feel unaccepted. I’ve grown to learn to ignore this fact of life and accept myself more that I will never fully gain the support of some people, especially those people who are jealous of me. I have learned to cultivate my talents for personal reasons and not acceptance and support of those people who I have been trying to gain it from which is family. I wasn’t going to write about this dream because it scared me to death, but it was so seemed so real that when I woke up I just couldn’t shake what just happened and I still can’t believe this dream was so real. I will explain the dream now.

So this dreams begins with the birth of my independence and that is Los Angeles, California. As many of you know I really wanted to go to California for some reason and I think the main reason was to prove to my family that I could and actually would move far away from them since they ignore me constantly and don’t support my dreams anyway. In this dream it appeared to me that I was staying in the same place in LA as I was before, which was a beautiful huge shared home where we all had our own rooms and shared common spaces. However in this dream there many weird older housemates who had regular blue collar jobs and they seemed to dislike me a lot. For example they would do weird things like call the house manager or authorities on me for no reason and I just couldn’t figure out why these people even cared what I was doing because I was there alone.

The next part of this dream gets even more weird for me because it involves people I know and are very very very close to. I’m so close to these people i real life it actually makes me a little sad to see the way they were treating me and I felt really bad about it. A huge part of me was asking if I was the reason they were treating me this way because I know a relationship goes two ways. Well first it began with the guy I was dating. I do want to be done with him very badly in real life and I want him to give me some clarity, but if the clarity is as clear as this dream was then I should probably cut all ties with this guy and go running in the opposite direction of him forever. I’m like many people and I don’t know how to show my emotions and I feel like in the dream I was so nice to him that made him feel comfortable Face Timing me with him and his “new” girlfriend. This new girlfriend seemed very similar to me, with a few slight differences, but I just couldn’t understand why he was showing  her to me in this way when I was in my place of peace which was LA. If this part of the dream is true then I want nothing to do with this guy ever again. A more stupid part of me is now thinking maybe she’s the “new” me, but nah bruh lol. Being hurt isn’t fun and I’m actually happy in this place in my life right now and he’s caused me so much hurt I would be like a masochist to go back now, but I am a masochist in some ways so I really have to be strong.

The next part of this dream gets even more weird for me,  because it involves family members who I love and I have been candid with my struggles of depression and abandonment with so I don’t know why they would be treating me so mean. I actually don’t even know why they were there in LA with me, because i go to LA to be alone! Nonetheless my older sister was there who I am the closet with of anyone on this earth, but we’re very distant now and that’s for her career and also because I know she’s always been jealous of me for vanity purposes. I’m glad she’s up there doing well, but I don’t ever feel I get the same support back because my dreams are based more around vanity  entrepreneurial purposes, but that’s a personal choice and I love what I do as a creative person very much. I can’t help who I am. My sister in the other hand has been the intellectual of us and that’s a great route as well its just not as hailed my men as say a stripper lol. In the dream my mom and younger cousin were also there and growing up I feel like my mom favored my older sister because my sister said she was very sad and felt like an outsider because her dad left my mom very early in her life. My parents also got divorced early in my life and my dad wasn’t present very much so I didn’t understand why she felt the need to be so vocal about this. All the did was make my mom fee sad  for her and give her extra pity love and force me to be more alone, because I guess I already had all the love and beauty I needed lol.

Moreover in the dream after my family popped up it was obviously to my surprise because once again LA is my alone space and I really didn’t understand why they were there, but apparently they were staying in that little rental place with me as well. I had to speak up and be vocal about that because I was so confused and it all just blew up in face. I was beyond shocked. It seems like everyone turned against me. My sister who has an upstanding career just made some phone calls and reserved a room at the Ramada Inn. (I remember that specifically lol). My mother took my sister’s side and went with her because she was so shocked that I could be having this way. I am still baffled at this point. So not only is my romantic life in the toilet, but my  own family is being weird and I still don’t even know why they are there!!!!!!! I never meant to make them feel however they are feeling, but they are making me feel even worse. Now my little cousin who is a teenager is also with them. I love her dearly and I’m like a big sister to her. She is very smart and rational and she’d never hurt me although like teenagers she can be a little selfish. I never treat her badly at all, but she takes their side and leaves too, then more random people come by looking for my sister and once I tell them she isn’t here they speed off lmao. I am in shock and disbelief! Just wtf is going on right now?  The dream is near its end now and I’m all alone wondering if this is really what I want and what I did to deserve this treatment?

Last summer my therapist told me I had many child like qualities and I’m aware of this internally although I am very poised and well spoken on the outside. I remind myself of a know it all kid a little sometimes. A kid who needs attention and clearly doesn’t get it, but pretends its fine because she’s so mature she’s basically an adult anyway. Around this time last year my emotional breakdown was in the eye of the storm and I was at some of my lowest physical weights ever. I was juggling strong abandonment issues with the guy earlier in this dream and life was not going right for me although I was masking it well. I cried alone a lot and I was just severely depressed. I actually could’ve died last year and it all felt kind of scary and wonderful. I remember that place well, but I’m clearly doing so much better than I take the time and give myself credit for.

This dream made me so sad when I woke up. Its everything I never want to happen, minus the guy because I deserve more than him.

I feel like I had this dream because I’m in a new place first of all. I actually still haven’t even told the family I’m living with that I moved out and I’m sitting here typing this in my new bed, alone and happy. A part of me not telling them is because I come from a very entitled family. I knew if they knew I was moving out they would begin to question my job and also want money from me, because they have always complained about being poor for as long as I can remember and its depressing. It also makes me as a young person feel as thought they are helpless and I shouldn’t leave them, but that’s not fair to my life so I woke up and escaped. I know my family is selfish and even though they have done absolutely nothing to help cultivate me into the person I am today except show me what NOT to be like I’/m going to give them some money. These people are sad and they value money, but don’t want to work for it and that’s very sad that they look to someone to just hand them something. I know they worked their whole lives, but clearly they worked hard and not smart because they have nothing to show for it and nothing to pass down. I’m going to give them this money and after that I am going to release myself of this nightmare.

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s