Dating While Stripping pt 3 “Would You Rather Feel or Not Feel”

So I’ve been going through everything under the sun with my current relationship that isn’t even a relationship. We all know those are the best lol. Ok so as of now I dramatically told him that I just couldn’t be in this situation anymore and I don’t think we should see each other anymore. Of course that wasn’t that easy because we’ve been seeing each other for about a year and a half. He reacted annoyingly dramatic as well, but I don’t trust his emotions and for all I know he was faking. He talked about he didn’t want to get hurt and he was protecting himself by reacting so callous and that’s whatever, but I guess I have the right to protect myself too. It seems that we never have a good experience together and if it’s going to be this way then I don’t want any part of it at all, because it does affect my work and the way I’ve been making money I don’t need any lame guy affecting that.

So I was observing the way I reacted towards this recent split, because this isn’t our first. I always get the feeling that I care too much and he doesn’t care at all. Also I used to get that stabbing pain in my heart that I guess my money is cushioning these days, because lets be honest no one wants man problems and money problems at the same time. Although when that does happen it just drives me to be a better person so that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Recently though I haven’t been feeling that stabbing pain that makes you not want to get out of bed all day. I’m not sure if its because I’m too busy to notice it or if it will come, but I know one thing I definitely do not want it to show up any time soon and I will do whatever I can to avoid it.

Writing helps eliminate that pain a whole heck of a lot so I will be very transparent with you guys over the next 30 days and whatever I feel I will document it.I grew up in the “google everything era” so of course I google every emotion I have to see if any other human has felt this way and about 100% of the time lots of people have. I guess the super annoying part is knowing that these are real feeling that I definitely have to process. So I google “Would you rather have no feelings or feel emotions?”. The way I’ve been feeling is definitely a mix, but mostly its the “no feeling” part and that has me a little worried. I think I should process this, but apart of me feels like I’ve already done so and I’m just ready for this whole thing to be over. I guess I want him to take some emotional responsibility and it doesn’t seem as if he is willing to do that. If that is the case then I will gladly move on knowing that I did the best I could do and I can’t expect the same from him which is his problem. Ugh breaking up is so hard to do, but I’m also exciting for new beginnings and I hope that he is as well. lol


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