I think I’m Pregnant lol but I have a plan

 

So today I wipe myself after I pee, and I see this pinkish light spotting lol. I’ve experienced this a few time so I know it can be a few things. I have also had cysts on my ovaries, and that causes the same thing, I could be stressed, and that could be triggering it. Once I spotted for 40 days lol, then I went to the doctor, and found out it was cysts on my ovaries. I then started eating healthier, and it went away in a few weeks. I could also not be eating healthy enough. There’s nothing like illness to kick in that healthy eating. Anyway if its not that then I could be pregnant.

As you guys know I was celibate for 8 months then I had sex with one man about three weeks ago, and a week after that I had sex with another man a week after that. The first one I was drunk, and it was kind of unexpected. I wanted to, but not really, and as you also know I said I did not intend to continue to have sex with him, and I did not. The next is a guy I met at work. I like him lol. We are both kinda thrown off tho lol . Anyway he lives in Phoenix, Arizona, and he comes in town from Monday – Thursday. He’s also flaky, and I don’t like that. I haven’t had sex with him again either, but I’ve hung out with both guys since. The second man is different. Its hard to explain him, but I’ll try. Ok he’s Tall, dark skin, he has a little facial hair, a little on the thicker side, but he’s tall so its spread out. He did tell me that he lost 50 lbs, but his eating habits aren’t the best, but I know he’s trying. Ok he also own this software company. He dresses nice too. I really like that. He picked me up super late, and I was prepared to be very angry, and I still was, but I wasn’t expecting him to look that good. The day we had sex he was wearing a tee and jeans and when he picked me up yesterday he was wearing a fitted metallic grey, dark grey or black pants, and black shoes lol. Girl I’m weak. I can’t resist a well dressed man. Its like just being wrapped in a nice package. I want to unwrap it lol. So these men are both good fathers, and I’ll be fine. I also intend to work. No woman really wants to work, but hopefully if I pregnant its by the second guy. He expressed wanting to be married, and he feels I’m indecisive. Idk, but if I am pregnant I feel like I want to keep it. I had a conversation with guy 2, and he says we can still be good friends. He’s wealthy too so that helps. If its by the 1st guy my baby will be born into an African family lol girl. i don’t mind, but idk how that’s going to be. I know its about the child, but I need to be comfortable too. I trust the fathers tho. Ok so I don’t want to test myself yet, because it may be too early so I’ll wait another week.  I wouldn’t mind being a single mother, but I don’t want to be. If its by the 1st guy idk, we may have to co-parent. As you know if you really follow me I have been pregnant and had a non surgical abortion, and I used medications to induce it. I’ve considered doing that again, idk. I remember both guys definitely pulling out, but you never know. I don’t feel the same this time as I did the first time tho. I feel better. I feel less stressed. The original guy I got pregnant by was not very accommodating tho. I paid for everything, and he didn’t even pick me up from my home. I had to ride the train to meet him smh. So lonely I was. I didn’t regret the abortion either. I was relieved, but this time is different. I wouldn’t mind keeping it. I’m not telling anyone, but yall until I figure out what’s going on.

Anyway …. wish me the best yall idk what’s going on, but I’m here for it.

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He Came Back … I’m So Happy lol

So. the guy came back lol. Idk what was going on, but it was very weird. I actually accepted it. I wasn’t upset. I was a little sad, but I understood that maybe he thought I didn’t like him. Only he was man enough to tell me that. A lot of men hide their emotions, and that’s the wrong thing to do. He was the exact same when he came back too. He was saying the same things, he was very apologetic. He told me it was childish of him not to call me for an entire week. Through the week I said I didn’t now who he was. He seemed like a liar. Who tells someone they will see them in a few days, and then disappears? Idk, but i couldn’t deal with that so I got over it. Its a new day lol. That’s the mindset I like to have when dealing with these guys, because they have new personalities like new days. I like his personality tho. He is very serious, and he is very affectionate. He’s affectionate, and he’s open to receiving affection.  My first ex boyfriend told me he didn’t like PDA, and then he later complained I wasn’t affectionate enough. I can’t deal with that kind of back and forth. That’s crazy.

The new guy makes me happy in ways I know I should be happy. I don’t want to complicate anything, but he said he didn’t want to share me with anyone, and I do understand that so I have some things to handle so he said.

So I saw him last night, and he dropped me off, and said that he would call me later, but he never did. Its Tuesday night and I saw him Monday night. He told me he didn’t want to get his feelings hurt, and I definitely understand that, so I’m trying to respect myself, and others.

In the past I took men’s feelings in too much consideration, and when I expected the same I didn’t get so I’m a little bit more cautious with my loyalty these days. I respect his space, and I like that he is giving me my space, but I don’t like when someone says they will do something, and don’t do it so I will have to see how this goes.

 

My Heart Hurts Because I’m In Love …. Again lol

So where do I begin.

So I’ve been thinking about the guy I met at work and had sex with a lot. He’s absolutely not my type. I didn’t find him attractive in any way, but when i met him I was quite interested in him. I liked that he cared about my intelligence and he’s the only guy from the strip club I’ve ever had sex with. We only had sex one time (twice, including the morning), I was still half dressed and in the morning he had on his jeans, we didn’t kiss, and it was totally unromantic, but looking back on the whole night it was very romantic to me.

I was at work, he called, said he was getting in the shower and then he would come. I love a man that smells good, and I try to always smell good too. H hugged me and told me he missed me, and I love that. I love when anyone tells me they have missed me. Idk if I’m the only one, but I will melt for that. I kept looking at him, and I was glad he came, but I didn’t really like his appearance. Kinda Nerdy. I don’t really remember what he was wearing, now I recall he had on a white graphic tee shirt, jeans, and a sneaker. He told me he lost 50 lbs, but I didn’t see his whole naked body. I was honestly drunk, and just wanted some nooky I think, but I did enjoy him being here with me. I enjoyed the other guy, but I really enjoyed this latest one.

When it was time for him to leave I hugged him in bed, and it felt so good. I didn’t say anything. I think he thinks I don’t like him, but I do. he honestly had to grow on me, as any new person would.

He’s another kicker. I have no idea what his name is, the phone number he gave me isn’t a real number its like an app number or something, and he hasn’t called me in a whole week.

I’m so sad. Idk what to do. I talked to the girls at work about it, and they said he will call soon.

I’m so desperate I got a fortune cookie yesterday with my takeout, and I said before I open this cookie if it has the word “love” in it that will mean a good thing. The fortune cookie actually no lie said “your presence will be graced by a loved one soon” I was so happy.

He told me all these things like we would go to San Diego for the weekend, but nothing. Idk. I want to see him idc where we are.

I miss him, and I can’t believe it. I’m writing in bed, and I’m wishing he were in the empty spot on the right. I feel like I’m obsessing, because he hasn’t called or anything, and we had sex. I don’t just sleep around so I want to know what is going on. Its just too much.

He is also generous with his money, and I like that too, but so is everyone else. he only gave me a little more than what I made today, and he did that over two days. One day out of each week, and honestly money does make a difference. I love him, but I’m glad I’m not waiting around for him to give me money, and the making money really does ease our minds lets be honest.

Anyway its Friday morning now, and I’m confused, and according to psychology if I am confused then that means he is in power, for all I know he could be confused too, because even tho I love him (not afraid to use the word love) I will not wait. Waiting is something I learned is a huge waste of time, and no need for that. This is early so an early bounce back is in order. It’d be nice if he called tho.

There Is Only One Cure For DEPRESSION!

 

I am going to keep this short and sweet. You are depressed, because chemicals are definitely off in your body. Chemicals are probably off because of what you are putting in your body.

The only cure for depression is a healthy diet.

If you are someone who eats whatever, eat no greens, drink no water, get no fitness or sunshine, then yes you may get depressed.

If you drink a lot of water or are on some other kind of drugs you definitely need to detox.

Old Mindset vs New Mindset About Dating and Sex

After being celibate for 8 months and then having sex with two men within a week is definitely a character change for me. I have never been loose, even though I’ve always had a very sexual nature. I try to control it like most of us do, but I have no regrets about my actions. Yes I was drunk both times, and that’s one thing that probably was the catalyst for the sex, but I’ve always kinda had drunk sex, but I don’t have sex every time I’m drunk obviously.

So now on to the mind sets. There is a feminine part of me that probably think I am using sex to get what I want and that is only true to a certain extent. The last man I regularly had sex with was very exhausting. He was one of those black men that love to call black women “strong” to see how much emotional pain she can endure. I think the pain started early, but it was like the devil smiling in your face hurting you, but still smiling like they didn’t mean it.

I continued to have sex with this man for years. He actually texted me the other day lol . The rejection must be killing him. I’ve been ignoring him for years on and off, but now is the first time where I have had sex with people I have never had sex with i.e. my exes. Its crazy, because they say women have intuition, but the very morning after the African man and I had sex my “ex” texted me. I found that so funny, because he literally never texts me and he has no idea where I live. I moved and did not tell any of my exes, because I wanted to be free.

I believe I used to ignore the pain and think it was normal. I literally did not even acknowledge the pain, because I had no idea I had any other option. I thought this was normal. When I broke away from my exes and completely separated myself I think I saw that the way they were treating me was not normal, and it was not normal for me to be allowing them to treat me that way.

Its really weird to be treated badly, because for some reason I still want some sore of genuine acknowledgement of the way I was poorly treated, and I am not one of those people who like apologies. Yall know me. I like money. If you are sorry show me. Those words mean nothing to me, because I’m sure I’ve heard those words before.

I haven’t heard anything from either of the guys, but one of them does not live in Atlanta he actually lives in the Midwest. I actually like that. He can fly to me or I can fly to him, but I’m not ready for any moves. I also like my space. I just got out of a situation where I spent too much time with some one, and we both got way too comfortable in the beginning, and that was the beginning of the end so to get comfortable in the beginning was the worst thing to do.

So naturally now that my eyes are open to the situation where I was being mistreated the mistreaters miss mistreating me. I guess everyone loves someone when they think you will be their lapdog. The only problem with that is we are not dealing with dogs we are dealing with people.

Now that I have had sex with men that are not my exes I feel a little bit of clarity and more freedom. I think my exes really think I’m sitting around waiting on them, and that may have had some truth to it, but in my mind once you start having sex with other people that’s one of things that is usually a huge catalyst to move on. I expect my exes to be doing the same thing, and I know most of them are. I think the days are over where women waste lots of time waiting. I am in that generation where it is ok to date multiple men at one time. Not that I want to be like a man, but I have never thought it was fair for society to allow men to have passes on this, whereas women are expected to be loyal no matter what pain they are put thru.

Lastly I would like to say this is my way of life. This is not the guide to a happy perfect life, I’m simply sharing my experience.

I still have emotions, I’m not just maliciously running thru men, I’m just trying things differently.

More Drunk Sex lol…. Single Until Married!

Ok so i’m back so soon with another sexcapade. I met this guy last Thursday. He is also very sweet and wants to get married. If i’m gonna be having sex it might as well be with men that want to marry me. Another part of me feels like this is just part of the single life. I didn’t have sex for 8 months because I was trying to get my mind right. I haven’t had sex with a guy I didn’t know for years. The last guy I’ve been knowing for about 5 years, but I don’t really know him. This new guy is very new. I like him, because he’s smart, he sees the intellect in me, he’s self made over and over again, and I feel like he believes in me. Love is not what we see on tv, movies or read in books. Love is someone looking into your soul and willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy, as long as they are also being made happy. I’m just trying to see what life has to offer me. I’m almost 26 and guys from my past aren’t making any real moves with me so why not keep my options open. I told the guy that I only had sex with him, because I was drunk and he said he felt bad lol, but I that’s not why I did it. I already knew earlier that night I was going to have sex with him, because I told my friend about him earlier in the night before he even called me. If we get serious I’m gonna stop dancing and he’s gonna pay my bills. I’m gonna let my talents flow also. I have never met anyone who really loved me so we’ll see how our friendship goes. I kind think he’s sweet. I can tell he doesn’t think he’s that attractive, but honestly he isn’t that bad. He dresses nice, he is in shape, and a smart person. I am usually attracted to smart men. He reminds me a little of the other guy I had drunk sex with. I can tell they just want a woman to validate them, but idk if the first guy is really ready. Idk.  I honestly don’t like anyone like that, because i don’t know if they are real or if I’m ready for all that. I am kinda just enjoying doing my thing.

I think times have kinda changed. Back in the day a woman wouldn’t have her own stuff. Now we do. Now we can do what we want and come and go as we please. It not an excuse to be a hoe, but I need company too. I guess I was trying to ignore that. Humans are social creatures and whether we realize it or not we need human interaction.

I don’t know if I want to continue having sex with these guys I really can’t keep both of them lol, soooooooo we’ll see who really wants me.

8 Months of Celibacy Interrupted By One Night Of Drunk Sex …. What Now?

Soooo I’ve been contemplating telling you guys I was celibate, and about my journey, working and all that, and I had a good run (which I intend to continue).

So let me tell you in short I love being celibate. I felt like those 8 months were my virginity all over again, but I have my life to get back on track. Failure is a thing that happens some times. Some say you fail the most before a major success, and I know this sounds crazy, but the guy I had sex with says he wants to marry me. I actually believe him, but it scares tf out of me! He’s From Africa, but he’s been here since middle school. He still has a slight accent, and I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned him on this blog.

I’ve been knowing him since I was 20, he’s the cousin of a friend I used to work with when I worked at Abercrombie. I actually never took him seriously, but I did want to give him a chance. I just think I’ve been so horny lately I kind of wanted to have sex. I’ve even been watching porn, but black on black porn, which I consider healthy for me.  Anyway we went to a diner, had a crappy (my opinion) dinner then got a bottle of vodka and came back to my place.

The only reason I let him come over is because I know he’s a decent guy. I think he actually does want to be serious and that scares me as much as if he didn’t want to be.

Anyway I don’t know what to feel about the sex. It was like satisfying and appetite, and I’m satisfied with that I’m just bummed I kinda had a trip up. I also do not think I’m ready to marry this man. Its a but much for me. I kinda told him I was a dancer, because I wanted to be honest, but I still don’t know what to think. We don’t seem to have much chemistry, and he doesn’t seem to be that interested in having much conversation. I he just wanted sex, I’m satisfied with that, but I don’t want it to be a regular thing especially if I don’t want to marry him.

Other than that I’m doing my best in school and life in general. Thanks for reading.

I Cursed A Man In The Strip Club For Inappropriately Touching Me

You guys know I’m a stripper so no  matter what there is no way getting around some thing. I have guys trying to lick me and touch my vagina which I totally do not tolerate. I notice some women let men touch them I do not allow it. I also do not allow myself to get intoxicated and high on whatever. I still smoke weed you know that, but that other stuff is something I know nothing about.

I was dancing for an Indian guy yesterday and Indians have zero respect for women. They are disgusting and sexual deviants as much as I know. I usually get Indian who just want sex out of the strip club and clearly they do not know that’ll never happen in the context of ME! So yesterday this Indian guy touched my vagina. I immediately grabbed his and said  “DON’T DO THAT, DO NOT DO THAT!” to him. He immediately knew I meant business and tried say sorry, but I wasn’t hearing that. Immediately in that moment I cursed him and he felt it, I don’t think he knew it tho. The rest of the night he walked around staring blankly the entire night (about three hours). He did not know what to do. I cursed him. I am 25 years old and I’ve always known I’ve had powers, but I let people use and suck the powers from me in the past. I chose to harness my own powers especially sexually and now I have control over my own powers so when I need them they are there. He thought he was taking something from me and I’d let him take advantage, but he learned the hard way not to disrespect women. I could tell I snatched a demon out of him the way he was walking. I know it sounds crazy, but its real. I enjoyed the rest of my night even though I was not happy about what he did I still was able to use my powers to paralyze him. He literally walked around looking lost, and I was happy to know why.

I want all people who patronize the strip club to remember that the strip club is more fun when you are respectful. When you think you are able to take advantage of the women you are in for a rude awakening. Even the prostitutes curse men. I see some of them under an impenetrable state. They come week after week and have no idea why. They even have sex with women that loosely have sex with anyone.

Also any strippers reading this please know you power whether you are having sex or not. Make sure to always know your power and not let it slip for a moment.

How To Change Your Life When You Just Don’t Know Where To Start

First of all change is inevitable whether you want to accept it or not. You will get older, the years will pass and hopefully  you grow with them, not just watch them go past.

 

I really want to help some of you, but the truth is I am not whole enough to help someone so I will give you some tips on how to change when you just don’t know where to start.

When I was changing my behaviors and I wanted things the first thing I had to do was be honest with myself.

  1. If I wanted a man to stop using me and disrespecting me I had to realize that I was the one who was allowing him to do that.
  • I was in a fake relationship with a man who was 17 years older than be because I truly liked him. There came a point where I was allowing him to have sex with me and that was all I required from him even though I knew I deserved and wanted more. He also agreed that I deserved more, but that did not stop him from continuing to have sex with me and not support me in any other area besides the bedroom. I had to tell myself (self) “he won’t stop” You have to stop him. It was a very long journey for me, and there were signs in the beginning I ignored to the max. The first red flag was on special national occasions that we observe in the U.S. such as New Years he was never anywhere to be found. There came a point where I planned trips on special occasions just to avoid the loneliness I knew I would feel if I expected him to celebrate with me. Even my 25th birthday trip was inspired by the loneliness I was done with accepting by waiting on someone or more who had never been there for me and never will be judging from their previous actions. I had to choose myself. Putting a man above what I knew I needed to be doing was not getting closer to my dreams and goals. This man expected me to support him with absolutely no reciprocity.  I ended that. I met him in October of 2014 and was instantly head over hill. In 2015 I was in bliss with the way things were, but I did want more so I took a 4 week solo trip to L.A. it was my first time ever there and I LOVED it. I came back in 2016 to chaos, but I continued to accept him not being there in any way for me except sexually. At the end of 2016 I had elevated so much I’m sure it seems like he blinked his eyes and I was a new person, but that’s because that’s how little he was there for me when I truly needed him. No one elevates without struggle. In the end of 2016 I told him I was done, but that just made him try to keep things as they were as much as he could. That’s how lazy he is. During 2017 I was on Go-Mode the ENTIRE YEAR. I saw him maybe 3 or 4 times. That was even too much for me. In 2018 I AM totally on another universe. I feel like an alien and I need that in my life. I NEED to feel different, so now I know I AM different. And all of that made me who I am today and I needed that so I know to never accept that again. If you are a lady reading this I beg you to read a book called “Don’t Be A Wife To A Boyfriend” I didn’t start reading this, until I got out of the situation, but it is a huge reminder to never do that again. Never think, because a man is having sex with you he sees you as a wife and also learn that there is more to being a wife than being someone’s sexual mate.

2. If you are tired of being BROKE this is for you!

  •  Being broke and poor is a mental process. You are poor and broke, because you have convinced yourself that you are. You have convinced yourself that you are not capable of earning even enough money to have a simple life. You need to tell yourself that you are more than enough and capable of doing whatever you want. (legally)
  • Also you have told yourself that you have no money to save and invest. You need to change that mindset. You have the power of you have the will to save, invest and earn any income you desire.
  • Learn how to prioritize. If you can lay in the bed for 10 hours with your boyfriend, then you can spend that same time to create a budget and use that time to do something productive. PRODUCTIVE meaning to PRODUCE.
  • Also do not freak yourself out if you don’t know something. This is 2018. Anything is a google away. Believe in yourself! You see all these people doing it and nothing is stopping you, except yourself!

3. Finally for those of you who want more education, but you think you are a lost cause or you don’t know where to start.

  • When I was going back to school I didn’t have anyone encouraging me. I had to encourage myself. I had to know I was doing this to better myself. Not show people what I could do, but to show myself I would never give up on myself no matter who gave up on me when they thought I was down and done for.
  • The first thing I did was realize school was school. If you want to go to Harvard that’s fine, but you still have to start somewhere.
  • You will have to let go of the idea that people were born knowing what they know and understand that it took dedication and time for them to EARN what they know.
  • Earn your education and stop thinking its gifted to the chosen.
  • Start somewhere, Fill out applications, Call the school, visit the school, realize what you like to study, do your financial aide, if you don’t know how to there are people to help you. Just stop making excuses. Excuses are getting you nowhere and they never will. Even if someone sympathizes you they will never respect you.

 

 

Therapy Pt.1

I want to write this for the young lady who reached out to me on my “Stripping Past 30 Frightens TF Outta Me” Post

and to myself.

W all have been traumatized in life and I believe women in the strip club have especially traumatizing experiences. We all ended up there looking for safe havens. I’m a person who had a goal as soon as I stepped foot in my first club and I vowed to never lose myself.

Something have happened to me while I stripped, but losing focus has never been one of those things.

I was thinking about school, life, money and all of the above and wondering what and I doing it all for.

Then I realized therapy. You passion should be your therapy.

I have always loved art and creating things, but I never thought of that as therapy, but there is therapy in productivity. Especially when you are an exceptional person at what you do. The dedication shows.

From now on I will throw myself more into the art of what I love to do and the therapeutic nature will hold me for life. I can’t wait to become the greatest version of myself, while healing myself and becoming wealthy. I am not one of those people who believe you do something for the love of it. We all deserve fruits of our labor.

I want to encourage anyone who is lost to find therapy in something you love whether that be doing hair or whatever.

Set your own therapy schedule and let your talent show and you sadness go!

The more you see your product grow the better you will feel about yourself. You will look back and say “wow” all it takes is focus and love. Love yourself enough to focus on yourself and heal yourself.

It was hard for me to see people leave me who I did nothing to and was nothing, but good too, but like Beyonce said “Thank God I found the ‘good’ in goodbye”.

I was able to say “hello” and “yes” to myself.

I always tell you guys people don’t want your money they want your ATTENTION.

Don’t pay them any unless they are paying you some and be very frugal when you do.

At a point strippers do not have attention pay everyone. We are on a very limited time schedule.

 

This is therapy Pt. 1 for me.

I’ll keep yall updated