Mental Health: NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) in the Black Community- A Missing Puzzle Piece

A Thinkers Delight

This article is a bit of a PSA. Please note I am not a licensed therapist.

(Update 11/20: Edited the title to include the full name of the disorder instead of just the acronyms NPD)

After a couple of years of experiencing some very painful interactions with people in my life-including family members – I began to pick up on certain similarities in these peoples’ behavior and was moved to do some research. In the search engine, I put in a few words that came to mind in describing their actions and character traits. Eventually, I learned about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). According to a report I read, NPD is actually highest among Black men, Black women and Hispanic women.(http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18557663). That stopped me dead in my tracks. I had never heard that before ever in my life. Now I am fully aware of this racist ass world we live in and I know…

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I’m Officially 26 Today!

So this birthday is different. This year I’m just chillin at home. Instead of going on a fancy vacation like I did last year I’m opting to save that money,and re-invest it back into myself. I am purchasing some classes for myself, I will also invest some of my money into the stock market and research other investment options.

2 was such an amazing fun year, and I know 26 will also be amazing, but as I get older I find more fun in doing responsible things, as I know there will be great rewards.

I’m a loving, beautiful, caring young woman, and I have cut off a lot of toxic people in my life so I don’t expect many genuine “happy birthday” and that’s fine.

I look around at the creation  of a happy life i have manifested and I have no complaints! It seems like the oddest thing, but it also seems really normal to be content with not really doing anything typical people would call special.

I’ll probably stay home all day, because my older cousin said she had something coming for me so I’m kind of excited about that.

I also want to film more youtube videos. I have been researching narcissistic abuse so I sense those will be the topics of my videos to come.

I like live videos, but they are kind of invasive so I probably won’t be doing those as much. I like the idea of feeding people from a long handed spoon. I am an empath, and people get greedy.

This is a really interesting birthday, because I’m literally just at home. Its a special day to me, but its interesting, because as I am aware that it is my birthday i look at the rest of the world going a long not knowing anything about my birthday.

Its not as “depressing” as it sounds its actually quite liberating to be at a level of peace where nothing is needed, but the beauty and gratitude of life.

I am 26 today and my father whom I spoke about before on this blog who is likely a guilty narcissist won’t call or acknowledge my existence, as won’t any of the other people who I used to want acknowledgement from won’t either. I think this is more of a relief.

At this point in my life I’m well aware of the manipulative mental abuse that has been intentionally inflicted upon me, and I don’t expect guilty men to face their actions no matter the age or level of maturity and education they claim to have.

I was wrecking my brain this whole month trying to figure out if I would splurge on a trip, because last year I had fun, but I also was still in a healing phase,and I needed that. I do no need the same level of healing this year so that is not necessary to be honest.

I am at this unusual state of peace. I expected to not be happy, be disappointed from the very start of my day since I am alone, but I am actually experiencing this ascension of my mind and soul. It not easy to explain, but there is a light hearted feeling attached.

A feeling I have not felt in years, and certainly did not expect it happen on this day. Its the day I was born into this cruel world.

It feels like my anxiety is washed away, it feels like my depression is washed away, it feels like new beginnings are abundant.

I feel like this is where I knew I would be at this point in my life spiritually and emotionally. I was seriously mentally, emotionally abused, and at this point there is a victorious feeling.

I really don’t want these fake people contacting me to be honest. Its an insult to the dismissive way they treat me on a daily basis and in lieu of my special liberating day I may actually have to make them aware. Like just stop contacting me.

A lot of these people live like they think I need them, and I need them to know they have never been there for me, and there isn’t anything I need on their behalf.

I am deeply empathetic, and I know these people who have abused me know its my birthday.

My dad for example. He knows its my birthday unless he has tricked himself into avoiding this day, because he knows his tactics of destruction have not worked.

Also the men I have been involved with over the past years know its my birthday as well, but I don’t expect them to acknowledge me either knowing that i could care less either way, because they have shown their uselessness, and the know they are useless.

They are no longer able to control me mentally or emotionally. Its sad that people are this way, its also very liberating to me knowing who these people really are.

They use any situation to try to hurt me, because they are sick. They know they are not able to do that, and I think that is embarrassing for them. The coward has been shown and they cannot handle being exposed.

I don’t want anyone who has resentment towards me, especially if they are hiding it, and pretending to have love for me. ts the ultimate insult, and makes them even more  unattractive.

Everyday of my life is a celebration, and anyone who doesn’t feel that way genuinely about me I certainly don’t want any false praise.

As a human its hard not to have expectations, but I am now no longer delusional in my expectations I have for others.

As for individual such as my father, if he gives me money for my birthday I’m happy, if he does nothing I’m still happy. Its sickening that he seemed to have thought I would be nothing without him helping my mom raise me, and now that I am healthy.

The feel the severe anxiety I have had since about age 12 is dissipating as I accept the separation required to heal. I’ve been struggling with my anxiety big time these past few weeks stressing over my birthday I think, but I am at this unexpected peace.

 

Thank you so much for reading my birthday post! This is my 3rd birthday post on this blog, and I am amazed at my growth. Its amazing, and I am only growing stronger, worthier, wiser, and more graceful.

I am grateful to be in the place I am in life right now, and I will never allow anyone to hinder me from the life I know I deserve.

Lastly I would like to say that birthdays put everyone in a vulnerable state, but no matter how old I get I will always know my worth!

I forgive, but I never forget. My strength is in my wisdom and ability to acknowledge the lessons that inspired the wisdom

SONG OF THE DAY – I Gotta Know You Now by Amy Winehouse

Crying Spells! Normal or Anxiety?

 

So about 3-4 years ago I had horrible, horrible crying spells. I was in and out of toxic relationships, I was having family issues, and I was smoking a lot of weed, which is what really helped me get over my first round of crying spells, but the second round I was hitting a brick wall.

I was out of one toxic relationship, and into another with a person who was selfish, and could care less if I was having crying spells.

Now fast forward to today, 05/24/18, and I am trying to cut back on smoking weed as you know, and I’m feeling a little tearful.

The only thing with now is I’m crying over joyous things instead of sad things like I was before. I kind of like being tearful, because it allows me to “feel” and weed numbs all of that.

I keep seeing these graduation posts and they are making me cry! lol I’m so happy for the grads, and I’m only crying, because I know how hard they worked and I am proud of them. I kind of see a little of myself in them knowing that I am working very hard in school and I am confident that I will finally make all A’s. I’m so happy about my growth.

I also feel like I am crying, because I want to be strong, but I feel weak.

Idk I’ll see how I’m feeling

I am SO lonely

As an African American female I am at my wits end with our community. I’m sick of black men lying to the women to get sex, exploiting us, and leaving us out to dry alone, after they have manipulated our minds and make it seem we shouldn’t want love.

I speak time and time again on this blog about sex, and you guys know I am well aware of sexual emotional intelligence, and why I don’t have sex anymore.

My last two sexual partners were two black men one is an African man,and the other is a well off African American type of guy. Good looking, but a bit nerdy. It seems marriage may not even be the answer, because we all know divorce is a thing.

Society is not progressing the way we should as black people and our men are the reason! Its very embarrassing as a black women right now.

Even at the strip club the black men are very pathetic, and I have no issue with them favoring white women over black women, because it is clear to me that most black men do not even value themselves.

Most have no success in an impactuful way.

I am extreme sad, and I am feeling physically sick from all the disappointment in black men. I feel lonely and I don’t know what to do, who to trust or anything. I feel like I can’t even trust a therapist.

I think I will get married just for companionship at this point, because from my experience love can be learned if I value myself, and know my worth.

I know I deserve love, and I am never giving up on myself or my black men.

I truly admire the adoration and respect other races have for their women and children, and I will work to show that it is possible for a black couple to achieve the same level of amazingness for my people, and myself. I am the change I want to see and thru my emotions I will persevere.

 

 

Trying To Stop Smoking Weed Once Again! Day 1!

The struggle of a lifetime is here. For some of us its sex, eating unhealthy, drinking,  cigarettes, unhealthy spending habits, for me its WEED!

Omg when I tell you weed is my hugest escape. I can be totally fine as long as I have some weed in my system, but when I don’t its like my anxiety is on high alert, I’m uneasy in the body, and most of all I’m restless. I think that the worst part is being restless.

So Tuesday I went most of the day without as much weed as I usually do. I’m going to try to wean myself off like I did alcohol.  still drink, but nowhere near as much as I used to. I don’t even want it when I’m not at work or around people I trust, because alcohol isn’t like weed. When you’re drunk and you think you’re around people that you can trust, but can’t is dangerous. Weed will make you a little drowsy, but you will never be out of your mind and sick from it the way alcohol does immediately. Even if you drink too many shots in a short amount of time you may instantly be sick. I’ve experienced that before. Alcohol is a chemical, and there is a balance to drinking alcohol, that people usually don’t follow, because of its addictive nature.

None the less I’m gonna give this “cutting back on weed” thing another try! I am actually really excited, because I am usually really productive when I stop smoking weed. Now I’ve been on this drug for almost 4 years straight so I’m sure its running all up and thru my veins, and blood.

This is one of the hardest and easiest things for me to do, because I don’t like being restless, and I don’t like having anxiety.

Even now its 5:15 am Wednesday, and I am thinking about smoking weed. Even tho I said I would stop smoking it. I also know that this is more of a mental battle than anything, but the way my body feels is not easy to ignore.

Weed kind of shuts my mind off an allows me to only be in a happy place, but today marks another day of trying to be a better person.

My 26th birthday is on Sunday and I am excited. Last year I didn’t have any weed on my birthday either and it was PERF! No complaints at all!

I just want to grow and be the best person I can be so I am excited for this journey once again. Never too late to try again!

I will keep you as updated as possible on the journey just like I did in the past. This is Day 1.

Its 5:35 am in the morning, i’m feeling blah lol, not much of an appetite, I also feel like I have a ton of things to do, and once again I’m excited lol.

I’m excited to see how far I can go, push myself and see the result of the grinding and discipline.

I feel the weed leaving my body rn ughhhhhh

 

Not Pregnant AF!

Just took and official pregnancy test, and BABYYYYYYYY, I AM NOT PREGNANT THANK GOODNESS! OmgI wasn’t worried about the dads I was just worried about the lack of planning.

 

 

Sexual Power: The Mental Aspect

Too much focus is placed on the physical aspect of sex. I don’t have sex for money, but I do require the man I date have money. I simply make men pay for the mental stimulation of sex minus the actual sexual act. The mental aspect as you see is very lucrative. Its a primal dance between men and women. You give me access to your body (something no man naturally has) and I give you the money I used my masculine advantage to get.

I believe this is why the most powerful women are very seductive, and private about their sex lives, but they do hint, and display sexuality in a mentally playful way that keeps people coming back for more.

Its a tricky dance, but women always remember you don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be private. Many women tell too much of their business. Women need to learn how to discern who they should tell what to.  You don’t need to tell a man all details about you on the first date, tease him. Tell him one thing and drag it on, and see how he responds. Lead him another way in whatever direction you choose that is beneficial for you, because please believe he wants to “P” and that is all he needs from you. Don’t be cheap. Make him invest.

If he isn’t complying then leave or pull back heavily. Assess the situation. If you’ve had sex with him more than once then really assess the situation. See how he is reacting, and one thing I’m learning is that all men are similar, but all men are not the same. There is a little something different in every man. There is that 1% is every man, that makes him different from the rest. No matter what anyone says I do believe that every man will end up with 1 woman unless he’s insanely wealthy and able to heavily maintain all women.

Ladies never give 99% of yourself to a man that is only going to give you only 1% of him also. That 1% may make him very speacial, but you’ve never experienced feeling speacial yourself if you haven’t had a man genuinely love you.

I’m Doing Great ….. and NOT Pregnant lol

So i just wanted to pop in with an update and let yall know I’m not pregnant. I guess its for the best, because I don’t know the dads that well I guess, and the one I was interested in has really fallen back. I still don’t regret having sex with him, because I need to continue to learn. My latest lesson is just because someone is meeting my current requirements doesn’t mean they will meet my long term requirements so its best to have really really high standards. I can never let my standards down, because people are so unpredictable I need my standards met.

My birthday is thins month and if you’d like to send me a gift or money let me know.

I also ran into the woman that hired me at my first club. The club is closed down now, but it was good to see her. She’s a nice woman, but as you guys know I never get too close to anyone so it was just nice to see her, say hi, and see how time flies. I remember walking in that first club nervous about if they would hire me or not, and she ended up being very nice which I was not expecting. I have came across some mean women, but that first experience was not what I expected. I was nervous af. I still remember walking in that big club, it was mostly empty, and I drove half across town to go to it, because I didn’t want to work close to my home.

I found the club in a magazine as you all know if you read my earlier posts.

i’m gonna go now …. lots to do

I think I’m Pregnant lol but I have a plan

 

So today I wipe myself after I pee, and I see this pinkish light spotting lol. I’ve experienced this a few time so I know it can be a few things. I have also had cysts on my ovaries, and that causes the same thing, I could be stressed, and that could be triggering it. Once I spotted for 40 days lol, then I went to the doctor, and found out it was cysts on my ovaries. I then started eating healthier, and it went away in a few weeks. I could also not be eating healthy enough. There’s nothing like illness to kick in that healthy eating. Anyway if its not that then I could be pregnant.

As you guys know I was celibate for 8 months then I had sex with one man about three weeks ago, and a week after that I had sex with another man a week after that. The first one I was drunk, and it was kind of unexpected. I wanted to, but not really, and as you also know I said I did not intend to continue to have sex with him, and I did not. The next is a guy I met at work. I like him lol. We are both kinda thrown off tho lol . Anyway he lives in Phoenix, Arizona, and he comes in town from Monday – Thursday. He’s also flaky, and I don’t like that. I haven’t had sex with him again either, but I’ve hung out with both guys since. The second man is different. Its hard to explain him, but I’ll try. Ok he’s Tall, dark skin, he has a little facial hair, a little on the thicker side, but he’s tall so its spread out. He did tell me that he lost 50 lbs, but his eating habits aren’t the best, but I know he’s trying. Ok he also own this software company. He dresses nice too. I really like that. He picked me up super late, and I was prepared to be very angry, and I still was, but I wasn’t expecting him to look that good. The day we had sex he was wearing a tee and jeans and when he picked me up yesterday he was wearing a fitted metallic grey, dark grey or black pants, and black shoes lol. Girl I’m weak. I can’t resist a well dressed man. Its like just being wrapped in a nice package. I want to unwrap it lol. So these men are both good fathers, and I’ll be fine. I also intend to work. No woman really wants to work, but hopefully if I pregnant its by the second guy. He expressed wanting to be married, and he feels I’m indecisive. Idk, but if I am pregnant I feel like I want to keep it. I had a conversation with guy 2, and he says we can still be good friends. He’s wealthy too so that helps. If its by the 1st guy my baby will be born into an African family lol girl. i don’t mind, but idk how that’s going to be. I know its about the child, but I need to be comfortable too. I trust the fathers tho. Ok so I don’t want to test myself yet, because it may be too early so I’ll wait another week.  I wouldn’t mind being a single mother, but I don’t want to be. If its by the 1st guy idk, we may have to co-parent. As you know if you really follow me I have been pregnant and had a non surgical abortion, and I used medications to induce it. I’ve considered doing that again, idk. I remember both guys definitely pulling out, but you never know. I don’t feel the same this time as I did the first time tho. I feel better. I feel less stressed. The original guy I got pregnant by was not very accommodating tho. I paid for everything, and he didn’t even pick me up from my home. I had to ride the train to meet him smh. So lonely I was. I didn’t regret the abortion either. I was relieved, but this time is different. I wouldn’t mind keeping it. I’m not telling anyone, but yall until I figure out what’s going on.

Anyway …. wish me the best yall idk what’s going on, but I’m here for it.

He Came Back … I’m So Happy lol

So. the guy came back lol. Idk what was going on, but it was very weird. I actually accepted it. I wasn’t upset. I was a little sad, but I understood that maybe he thought I didn’t like him. Only he was man enough to tell me that. A lot of men hide their emotions, and that’s the wrong thing to do. He was the exact same when he came back too. He was saying the same things, he was very apologetic. He told me it was childish of him not to call me for an entire week. Through the week I said I didn’t now who he was. He seemed like a liar. Who tells someone they will see them in a few days, and then disappears? Idk, but i couldn’t deal with that so I got over it. Its a new day lol. That’s the mindset I like to have when dealing with these guys, because they have new personalities like new days. I like his personality tho. He is very serious, and he is very affectionate. He’s affectionate, and he’s open to receiving affection.  My first ex boyfriend told me he didn’t like PDA, and then he later complained I wasn’t affectionate enough. I can’t deal with that kind of back and forth. That’s crazy.

The new guy makes me happy in ways I know I should be happy. I don’t want to complicate anything, but he said he didn’t want to share me with anyone, and I do understand that so I have some things to handle so he said.

So I saw him last night, and he dropped me off, and said that he would call me later, but he never did. Its Tuesday night and I saw him Monday night. He told me he didn’t want to get his feelings hurt, and I definitely understand that, so I’m trying to respect myself, and others.

In the past I took men’s feelings in too much consideration, and when I expected the same I didn’t get so I’m a little bit more cautious with my loyalty these days. I respect his space, and I like that he is giving me my space, but I don’t like when someone says they will do something, and don’t do it so I will have to see how this goes.