How To Quit Drinking As A Stripper


Good afternoon! So i was browsing at my analytics and saw that someone searched the term “How to quit drinking as a stripper” and it made my heart sing, because I have been the wasted stripper questioning my life after each night of feeling horrible, possibly drunk driving, making poor decisions like sleeping with men that don’t love me while drunk and the whole thing.

My life is a complete 180 from last year I have to take a step back sometimes and look at how far I’ve come and how much I have changed.

So what I would really like to tell you first is get control over you mind, because it is your mind that is telling you that you are not strong enough not to drink. You need to feel confident without the alcohol. Work on your self esteem and feel genuinely good about yourself no matter…

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How To Quit Drinking As A Stripper

Good afternoon! So i was browsing at my analytics and saw that someone searched the term “How to quit drinking as a stripper” and it made my heart sing, because I have been the wasted stripper questioning my life after each night of feeling horrible, possibly drunk driving, making poor decisions like sleeping with men that don’t love me while drunk and the whole thing.

My life is a complete 180 from last year I have to take a step back sometimes and look at how far I’ve come and how much I have changed.

So what I would really like to tell you first is get control over you mind, because it is your mind that is telling you that you are not strong enough not to drink. You need to feel confident without the alcohol. Work on your self esteem and feel genuinely good about yourself no matter what. When you are at work feel like a million bucks even if you don’t have one drink.

Drinking is also like taking drugs and you will more than likely have to wean yourself off and eventually your body will no longer produce cravings for alcohol. So I would say set goals like if you take 10 shots a day (totally normal for some strippers) try taking 5 a day, then 3 a day then 1 a day until you no longer want a drink.

I tell men to buy me bottles of water so they will have to buy something and they are impressed by a woman who drinks water in such an atmosphere.

You will eventually feel much more self aware and notice your money even may increase I know mines did, because alcohol is a depressant and sometimes you don’t realize its the alcohol that’s putting you in a bad mood and making you doubt yourself. So I wish you well and if you read this let me know if it helps.

Divine Order

so as of late I have been all about organizing my life so I started down to the most important things to me which are school and work. I have my school and work schedule so down pact that all I literally do is go to school and work and I order in food almost everyday, because I haven’t made time to go to the grocery store yet, but I’m going today. Its 5:03 am and the reason I’m writing this post so early in the morning is because I overslept and didn’t go to work lol. I usually go at 9:00-9:30 after I’ve taken a shower if I haven’t already earlier in the day. I know what I’m about to say is also going to sound very  weird, but I don’t care, because you’ll get the point. I want to acknowledge at this point in my life an emphasis on cleanliness and living a clean life. I am specifically speaking on in home cleanliness. Growing up I really don’t think I was exposed to clean living, because I did grow up in poverty. It was something that I was made aware of at an early age, but I never acknowledged it seriously in my own mind, because I was a child and I really had no control over where I could live. I remember absolutely hating to go home tho and wondering what other people’s homes looked like when we would all get off the train. I know what I was going home to was a tiny two bedroom apartment that was totally roach infested. I was the girl who was afraid a roach would pop out of her bag at school growing up lol. The worst nightmare of an undercover in impoverished pretty girl but hey those are facts. Our home was tiny and filled with old disgusting junk. Even know I think all the women in my family have that issue. It is something my generation acknowledges and is breaking through design. Interior design that is. I still don’t think I understand how dysfunctional my childhood was, but oh well I’m working on it now and that’s all that matters to me. I’m working to be that “A” student all my teachers saw in me, but wondered why I was so distracted at school. I knew my home life was a little off when I would go to other people’s homes and see how comfortable, stylish and most importantly clean it was. I loved the nice homes so much I think I grew a hate for them also. My mom had “friends” who’s homes we would go to and one woman in particular lived in an absolutely beautiful home with her husband and two children. I knew they had the perfect life. I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to wake up there every day. The thought gives me chills. I would never believe it is my life, but the proof will be the reality. Now I kind of feel like a child, like I’m aging backwards doing the things I thought I would have had as a child, but they always say there is a price to pay and I pay that price. I was thinking today about the series of events that led me to the decision to dance and the final straw was men in my life no being there for me. My dad was completely absent for the most part and if I saw him I was th one going over to visit him. I’m 25 years old now and I’m kind of feeling like I should distance myself from him. Like the men in the past allowed him  to think his mediocre performance as a parent was supreme and it is not. He is not a healthy parent for me and I don’t really respect him as a parent figure. He also blames his life on him mom (my grandma) which is very childish. He never wanted to be serious about anything and he continues to chase things that don’t serve him like women. He even told me and my mom on the phone that he makes thousands of dollars a month, but gives me zero which is fine, but I know he sends his “wife” hundreds of USD to the Philipines every month. She is probably living an extremely comfortable life off of this idiot. He asked me if I was good and I faked a smile and said yeah. That’s what he wants to hear  anyway. He’s such and idiot and he’ll be looking crazy when I hit every goal I set for myself and exceed it. He knows nothing about investing, business, anything. All he knows is that he’ll be getting that check every month on the same day and this fool spends the whole thing. I don’t care tho because he also tries to treat me like I’m stupid always asking me what school I go to. I lied to him a few years ago and I’ll never tell him the truth about anything. He can find out the same way you guys will. When my book hit stores. and good luck finding out who I am still then. He’ll wonder how I’m so rich and private. This man is the biggest hater I have and I don’t wanna hear that tough love stuff this is a hater. Its like he’s baiting me to tell him stuff just for the sake of hearing it. A long time ago my mom told me not to tell them anything and be brief when they are being nosy. Well this post was originally about how it was divine order for me to miss work, but y’all know I love a good vent! All in all my life is a combination of series of events that I can’t help, but talk about.

Why Using Sex As An Escape Is Bad!

Now I chose this as the title, because it seems that some people think being overly sexual is fine even if their life is falling apart around them. The are four things that people mainly use as escapes. Alcohol, drugs, gambling, and sex! Sex seems the most harmless of them all to some people, but it can be just as detrimental. If you are sloppy with your sexual behavior and have no control over your genitalia then you could create a human being with a person you hate personally, but enjoy sexually. That is dangerous and scary.

I was also thinking about my adviser that I have a crush on and I saw him in a lecture today. Of course I didn’t say anything and acted normal, because everybody thinks they are more important than they are, but I treat them with respect and respect boundaries. I can’t lie and say that my mind doesn’t wander tho. I’ve had sex with my adviser many times in my head and I feel like that’s totally normal to wonder. One major thing I’m learning is there is everybody has bad/wrong thoughts, but we also have the choice to not act on those thoughts or suffer the consequences of acting on “bad” thoughts. If we were both on the same level, single and interested in each other that would be totally fine so that is the thoughtful scenario in my mind. That is exactly what sex is almost in a physical act. Its an escape and I guess everybody is entitled to their escapes. If I didn’t smoke weed I’d be a mess lol or an alcoholic smh.

When I really think about how great sex with my adviser would be just one time I reject the idea immediately. I remember having sex with the guy I just stopped talking to and it was great, but it was only a sexual relationship which became very taxing on me. I remember so much crying and pretending to be ok and good sex ain’t worth no tears never ever. That’s what I think about when I think about the outcome of being with a married man. Nothing, but lies, tears, heart break and broken promises. Totally never worth it. It is the instant gratification of drugs with the detrimental long term effects.

I was reading up on why I keep selecting unavailable men or emotionally unavailable men and from what I read it is a self sabotaging mechanism that some people do who fear true rejection. Like investing in a 15 year marriage only to be betrayed in the end. So to seemingly avoid all that I supposedly choose men who are not even in the position to reject me because they are unavailable in the first place. There is also something very selfish and instant karma creating when you choose to engage with a married man. You are hurting someone he loves which will 100% hurt him and he will choose to ease the pain of his wife before he eases yours which transfers a major amount of the pain that you created back to you. Also if you don’t know this man is married you still may suffer the consequences of not doing proper research on a man and just jumping in bed with him so take it slow and get to know anybody you sleep with. He may have all kinds of lingering baggage that he wants to draw you into. We love to think people are not malicious, but the man who engages is also selfish and has the possibility of doing the same thing to you so be careful. Imagine all the pain of your worst heartbreak being repeated and before it does you have the opportunity to stop it. That’s what humans have to use their power to do. We must learn to use our willpower to control our lives from detrimental temptation. Alcohol and sex are two things that have gone hand in hand for me so I try to control those things with all my power.

I think we could all use perceived rejection and empower ourselves with it. Its crazy how dating unavailable men is about fear of rejection and that is also like an automatic and ultimate rejection.

The Strip Club Is Full of Pedophiles!

This is going to be a really quick blog, but its on my mind so I’m gonna write it.

First of all there are lots of sexual abuse victims everywhere and I’m sure the strip club is no exception. Even when I was a very small child like 4 or 5 I was exposed to sexual behavior and thought it was normal. My parents have no idea of this either and its not something that’s always floating at the top of my head either its just kind of in the way I am. I say this to say saturday I was at work dancing for this stinky breath fat 50 something year old black man who  was bragging about taking his daughter on as shopping spree when he should be bragging about getting her some tutoring in school or something with more substance. I I was stroking his ego making him feel like he did something great when actually I could care less about purchasing children material things. He has a 12 year old daughter and I’m sure he never see’s her, because he also told me he had some Mexican girlfriend and he’s playing daddy with her kids too. Sounds exactly like my dad. The only difference is I stopped asking my dad for money, but I do accept gifts. I just want him to feel how much of an unloved loser he is and he can try to make himself ignore that, but its a fact. The man I was talking to even said he feels as if his daughter doesn’t appreciate the things he does for her and I’m sure they have no real relationship since he thinks a relationship is buying your kids whatever they want.

So it was very busy Saturday, but the men weren’t spending so I had to get it out of them. I ended up dancing for him and I was very shocked that this man was really trying to press his penis up my butt thru his pants. He was complaining that I needed to stop moving because he was going on soft. This is so disgusting to me as I recall what this man said. He said he couldn’t help it because I was so young. Mind you I’m 25, but I look like could be 18. When men lust over how young I am or look this just disgusts me. These are overly full grown middle aged and senior citizen men of all nationalities. I really understand now that strip clubs are a place for the sexually deviant men who want to hide their secret lust for underage women and the “proud fathers” are the most suspicious to me. I know men who have never stepped foot in a strip club so I know all men don’t go, but that still doesn’t mean they aren’t pedophiles at the same time, but some of the strip club pedos are like feigns and most them are alcoholics and drug addicts whether they want to admit it or not. People always wonder how strippers have the mindset that we have which is get whatever you can out of any man even if you don’t like him and have to lie him, because even though he won’t say it he wants to have sex with you and its up to you choose carefully who you lay down with and make it well worth your efforts. I’m sure most women don’t know what to do in these situations and I don’t admittedly didn’t either, but now I do! These  pedophiles think the strip club is a place for them to be free, but I’m not a prostitute. Even for those few minutes this guy’s penis against my butt thru his pants disgusts me to the core. That’s how rape victims feel when  their selfish disgusting predators rape them. The rapist think’s he should be entitled to a few minutes of this woman against her will and she should get over it because it was just a few minutes. Be careful of selfish people who think that way and show interest in you. They may just want to manipulate you. These selfish pedophiles don’t care if the young women are uncomfortable and this is why I hustle and trick every single man in there. I make him think I’m heaven’s angel then I take their money and disappear in minutes. Even if you aren’t a stripper you should still use this mentality because men don’t change when they leave the strip club they just hide their ways better. They try to put on a perfect face of they have a wife, children (especially children under 18), a successful business and anything else that makes them feel entitled. Some of these fools make $10/hour and think they are entitled to some young girl’s pussy. These men really do think women are not human and just tools and this is exactly why I have zero respect for men who go to the strip club looking to do anything else except be entertained. They deserve to have all their money taken and still be rejected.

Ladies always speak up for yourself even when you feel like its your job to just shut up and be abused and taken advantage of don’t! Speak up all the time when you feel someone is trying to force you into doing something you totally do not want to do. As dancers sometimes the men try to make us feel like you need to do whatever they say do or they won’t give you money, honey there are a million more men who will I guarantee you that and if you settle for the one who violates you, but gives you money you will never find the man truly for you and you will grow to think being sexually taken advantage of by your husband for money and the day you stand up for yourself will be the day he leaves you and you will have yourself to blame because you should have known your worth and never accepted that treatment. People aren’t even ready for relationships at all these days so I recommend fixing yourself before you get in one or find someone who is more than happy to work with you.

Well that’s it for now you guys bye 🙂

School Update! + Academic Adviser Crush Update!

So since I discovered I had a crush on my academic adviser I definitely didn’t want to unprofessionally influence the situation any further than I had. If I didn’t tell you guys already I googled him and read some of his dissertation lol yeah. There is also one lonely picture of him om google and I looked at that from time to time. I didn’t want to just let my mind wonder and be totally mind boggled and unfocused when I saw him again. So today is friday and I had 4 hours of tutoring with 3 other students so my professor who is happily married to her husband treated us to pizza and my adviser came up and brought us soda and water. The only reason I’m writing about it is because he brought so much my professor insisted we take the extra home so I did.  Here I go again! Thinking that this was all for me lol. Thinking omg I know you brought this for everyone, but in my mind it was just for me. That’s so typical of me. So now I have all these beverages lol. I’m gonna drink them when I’m studying to wake me up.  I do believe that everything happens for a reason and maybe this is the universe’s way of giving me what I think is a gift from someone that I totally admire.  Ok now on to the school update!


I am deathly afraid of failing so I have been working diligently and I’m satisfied with the progress I have made and am making. I actually understand things I thought I never would have understood. The only difference between knowing and not knowing is the amount of effort you put in when nobody is looking. Learning does not start or stop in a classroom. Learning is a part of life wherever we are and home should be the ultimate learning sanctuary. To be honest learning feels very magical once you do it over and over again. My parents always said get and education, but I never saw them do any of this. Even my dad claims to know all this, but never dedicated real time to anything long enough to see fruits of any labor he did himself besides having a job. Nothing wrong with just having a job, but don’t make me feel unaccomplished if I’m not a rocket scientist. I know parents want the best for their kids, but at some point parents have to let go of the dreams they have for their children which are really just things that involve more work than the parents ever did and let children be free to do what they love and make a difference in the world the way they see fit. There will be enough doctors, architects and so on. We need more free thinkers who will not be afraid to be different! Well that’s all I have to say…. you guys have a great weekend I intend to 🙂

Being Paid To Spit On Men: Money Moves

So after I made my way around the club a big tall man walked in. He’s from new your and kinda reminded me of a more docile version of Jay Z. You actually never know what some people are into before you meet them. I did a couple of dances for him and he had some requests, but he would not touch me which I don’t mind, but I did notice. He also requested a certain dance style which I also didn’t mind. We made a little conversation about hanging out, but I didn’t know what he expected, because the universe and yall know that (say it with me) I DON’T HAVE SEX FOR MONEY. I have to make sure I know this more than anyone and make it very clear, because no man is turning down sex. Especially in a situation where they are paying to hang out with a stripper. The NO SEX has to be made gracefully clear and you decide what grace is for you. For me I just like to smile and tell them we’re hanging out for money and I don’t do anything else. They can’t make you have sex that’s obviously rape and you have to be smart enough to not just go off with any guy. So I told him we could go to dinner, but I wasn’t that hungry and he wasn’t either, but dinner was my best offer. He then said he didn’t expect sex, but there was something he wanted me to do and it had nothing to do with sex. He was very reluctant to tell me as well. He asked if I was ok with role play and I was like hmmmm what kind of role play? Then I said what kind of role play and he said dominant and submissive role play. I told him yeah that was fine, but I am not a submissive in this type of relationship. He said of course and then he asked if I was comfortable spitting on him and I didn’t think it sounded that bad so I said yeah, them he asked if I would talk really mean to him and I agreed to do that, because I already do that to most of the men I know in real life to an extent. And the extent is when they do what I say I stop being mean for a while. Anyway fast forward to us being at his house which is an apartment he just moved into with his 20 year old son who was sleeping across the apartment. He didn’t have a bed in there which was fine with me, because I tried to be courteous and take a nap at this customer’s house ….. oh hell no. Never again. Matter fact never spend the night over a man’s house that keeps pressuring you to have sex, because if you didn’t want to have sex you may end up having sex. Just bein honest. If you’re dancing and you are with a customer always have your phone charged and your phone charger so you can call an uber on the spot. I literally had to order an uber last week and my phone was on 1% . I was overly grateful for that uber, because the man had the nerve to ask for the money back… yeah right! I got tf up and went outside to wait on my uber. That was after I made this guy pay me a couple hundred bucks and feed me. He was complaining about how he had a baby on a break from the love of his life and how he was love sick and all that. Now why would I have a sex with a man who has all this baggage going on and he’s white so that’s not my lane at all. But anyway back to the man that paid me to spit and step on him. So we got to hi’s apartment and he spread a sheet on the floor and laid on it with his clothes on. He looked like a big baby and he has to be 250+lbs and at least 6’0 tall. I requested I spit on him so I did and he also wanted me to spit in his face, on his clothes, step on him, put my feet on his face, and talk down to him. He was asking me leading questions like am I better than him, because he likes that. I’m not gonna lie I kinda needed a little power trip especially since I have no control over my adviser. I actually have lots of control over the men in the strip club, but that’s not real life. I’m constantly thinking of intellectual things mixed with sexual things abut my adviser lol. I’m always amazed at how I manage to pick out the right people to get money from. AlI know is that when you come prepared and focused nothing can stop you.

We did that for an hour then I called an uber and left. I will admit that you have to have the kind of personality to take control the way these men like and these men pay lots of money to be dominated. Its a great way to make money and not dance. I saw a dominatrix on Tyra Banks show and idk why Tyra Banks was shunning her so much. The woman was basically an actress she wasn’t a sex worker in my opinion. I honestly feel like people throw the term sex worker around too loosely. In my opinion stripping is not sex work, because I don’t have sex. A prostitute is a sex worker and a prostitute can be a stripper, but all strippers aren’t prostitutes. I actually feel like the route I take is smarter no matter what people say about what I do I  keep all of my clothes on and when i take them off its just so the men can LOOK! Not engage in. I have strict rules and those rule have made me lots of money. I see some white girls in my club giving $50 blow jobs and I literally can’t wrap my head around that one. $50 sounds like a tip to me, not payment for a blowjob.

If any aspiring doms would like tips we can arrange some kind of payment for my tutoring so you can be empowered to make money without having sex. Just comment your email on this blog and we can arrange something.

spit 2

Know Yourself: I Don’t Like, I LOVE

So I was sitting around thinking about why I feel so passionately about people when I like them and yes lust may have something to do with it, but that’s still not an answer for why I do. I’ve come to the conclusion that liking something or someone is a waste of time. When I like something or someone I love that thing or person. Take school for instance. I can’t just like school. I will get bored if I do that. Aside from my fine ass adviser I really do love school. I love reading, I love writing, I love studying, I love knowing what comes next in the subject and all of that so I love it. To like something is to only be in half way, to be luke warm and unsure. I’m 25 years old and at this point I’m not making anymore unsure decisions. Either I love it or I leave it alone. That goes for people, things and every aspect of life. In my mind love is the strongest energy form and when you know what to put your love into and what to leave alone that builds more energy.

Don’t let these men give you excuses about why its ok to just have casual sex and tell you its fun and all that. They don’t tell you the rush of emotions you will be left with to deal with by yourself after they are satisfied physically and even mentally and you are left depleted, because you gave loving energy to someone who did not love you. And believe me what goes around comes around so do not worry about that. These days I have been feeling very light and anxiety free even if I smoke weed or not. I honestly feel like all the anxiety I carried from loving people who did not love me have been delivered right back to them! I don’t even have to call them to see how bad they are doing. That’s the beautiful thing about energy. I can just feel it! Not that I’m wishing bad energy and anxiety on them, but that’s how energy works. It can’t be destroyed only transferred and I have the feeling I have transferred all the bad energy back to people that dumped their negative energy on me and it feels really good to be free of that.

I tend to be very afraid and intimidated by my emotions sometimes, because they are very strong, but when I articulate them to myself I’m easier to understand. Now I realize that I can’t just go around thinking I can “like” somebody. There really is no such thing.  If someone is stringing you along and telling you how much they like you, but don’t love you then you should get out of that situation immediately, because they are feeding you shit and calling it sugar. Instead walk in the direction of things and people that love you and show you love!

Now don’t confuse any and every nice deed and gesture for love like did in the past. Be smart and really recognize when someone loves you and they are making an effort to equally reciprocate the love are showing them. I am a huge fan of giving people the energy they give me. If you give me 2 star love them I may either not even entertain that or just give you your raggedy 2 star love back, but if someone is giving me 5 star love please believe I am going all in and giving them the 5 star love they deserve and if they ever stop giving me five star love then they can expect that same decline. Men should be leaders anyway so this should be simple for women to do, but if you are a man this also goes for you. If a woman only calls you when she needs something then call her when you need something. If she doesn’t answer, then don’t answer for her just show her the same energy she showed you.

Lastly I just want to remind everyone to love what you do don’t just like it. Love who you are with don’t just like them. And only include yourself in situations where you are loved or can create some love.


Why Pretty Hurts

So I just got done listening to “pretty hurts” by beyonce and I listened to the same song when I was in San Diego with my ex and things were going horrible between us, and once again I allowed a hurt person to use me because I was also hurt and it was just a mess. Never look for happiness in someone else if you don’t have it in yourself first and never let an unhappy person make you think that you are their #1 source of happiness. They should also have happiness within themselves to give to you also.

Being young we can think that the world is our oyster especially if we are pretty and that gets pretty girls hurt every time. Everyone on this earth knows we are all getting older. If you’re a senior in high school there will be freshmen and same for college. There will always be someone “prettier” so its best to love yourself for your inner qualities. You may feel prettier than someone’s wife or girlfriend right now, but if he think’s his last girl is replaceable then more than likely he has the same mindset about you. Pretty can make us think that won’t happen, but it can. Never let your prettiness be your defining factor. Looks fade and you will be embarrassed that you wasted all that time doting on looks that faded instead of being happy and enriching your mind for years and years to come. If you are truly pretty then it will show from the inside out.  And nothing looks funnier than a old lady with nothing, but pictures and stories of how pretty she used to look, but no personal accomplishments and I know things happen to women like single motherhood and being victims of abusive/lying men, but be the strong woman who see’s that yes you are pretty, but you are also smart, talented, ambitious, disciplined and dedicated to greatness!

I Have A Serious Crush On My Academic Adviser at School

So I’m 25 years old and this is my last semester in school for my Associates Degree in Business Administration. I’ve had some minor issues and I’ve had some support from my adviser and other school faculty and I am very appreciative for that. I just met him last semester so I could get some advisement from him and he gave me some very great news which is that I was only one semester away from graduating. I was very happy to hear that and I guess him telling me the good news already made me feel some sort of special connection to him since it seems my friends and family could care less besides the occasional “good job”, I prefer silence than passive responses. So that was last semester and I never thought that I would need him this semester, but I did and he did some minor favors for me which is his job, but I was still very happy with that.

I have been thinking about why I like him so much and I realize its the savior mentality that most women have, specifically dancers. Not only that, but my past relationships have been very mentally and emotionally abusive so I think I’m also just looking for some genuine comfort and I haven’t met that again yet. He seems very comfortable tho and I just imagine cuddling up next to him lol. Most of us dancers are not close to our fathers so we look for leadership in other men and that can be any man. Now my adviser does happen to be a handsome, well dressed older man who and I believe I did see a ring on his finger so this is gonna be another doozy for me, because I definitely do not date married men even tho I am highly attracted to this man. Now I don’t go to his office and stalk him everyday, but I really want to make any excuse to see him ugh. I love having crushes and I think I asked for this one, but I won’t be acting on it. I was thinking about why it would be a bad decision to flirt with him and I realized I would only be disappointing myself smh, because I know for a fact I would be expecting way more than a married man would be able to follow thru on so I won’t even play myself like that. Instead I will just dream and be the best person I can be in this invisible relationship lol. That includes making my new invisible boyfriend proud of my accomplishments including eating healthy, being clean, being neater, more organized, sexy, fun, smart, studious, disciplined and whatever else I think it takes to make myself whole to be in a relationship. Now while I’m not interested in a real relationship I will certainly enjoy this mental relationship I will have with my imaginary boyfriend and at the end of the semester I definitely intend to make us proud lol.

I know I sound crazy, but I know I’m not ready for a relationship and this man is also married, so I would rather use my imagination than making unsmart decisions that will only set me back even further emotionally. I’ve been thinking a lot about sex  and its energy connection lately and I cannot deny those facts. As much as I love sex I love being happy more so I want the sex and the happiness. I am willing to compromise sex for happiness, but I am not willing to compromise happiness for sex. I say that to say I’m horny af and I’m gonna be doing a lot of imagining for god knows how long! lol I know I’ll at least be a very successful woman with all this time on my hands.